So, soon I’ll be back on my own.

So here we are. It’s been the three of us for about three weeks now because Jord had some time off before his new job starts on Tuesday. Which of course means it’s going to be just me and Arth again. I’m feeling all the emotions.

I’ve not been on my own for a full day whilst in Bristol yet. I still haven’t passed my driving test and we kinda live out in the sticks. So I’m sort of a bit stuck. There’s beautiful countryside and lots of places to walk but you can’t really get very far without a car.

My biggest fear is feeling isolated, feeling like I’m on my own without being able to go anywhere. Part of my recovery plan is getting outside. Seeing people, doing things, exercising, fresh air. Home is lovely but I think I’m someone who can get too comfortable. I sort of forget how much I love being outside.

But I’m also kind of excited. Arthur is developing such a little personality now, he’s interacting more and more. When Jord was at work before I really enjoyed (most of the time) being with Arthur on my own. It might sound a bit childish but I love it being me and him. He’s my partner in crime.

Of course, I love being with family, friends and of course I love it when Jord is around. But I just mean, I feel like me and Arthur have a wonderful bond and I think it’s because we spend so much time together. I never want to lose that. I’m scared if we don’t spend so much time together, we might.

It is hard work and some days I found myself not being able to put down a very clingy baby. But Arthur is definitely (touch wood) better at sleeping now in the day, most of the time, he self soothes. I will put him down for a nap when I can see he’s tired and he will fall asleep himself. It took us a long time to get there but we did. It’s so I can grab an hour to eat or have a quick shower.

Things like having a shower, having something to eat, at one point I could really achieve that on my own with Arthur. And it did affect my wellbeing. It sounds like something very small but when your tired and you haven’t managed to eat anything, and you still smell like you did last night, it kind of gets you down.

We have moved forward a lot. Now, I have energy because I can usually get a cheeky nap in when Arthur is napping. I get chance to make myself something to eat and I can make myself drinks throughout the day because Arthur will play on his playmate for a little while, he’ll sit in his chair whilst I eat. It makes all the difference.

Being able to not feel too tired is wonderful. To drink and eat and enjoy food, not try and wolf it down as quickly as possible. That means I have the energy to play, to sing and dance with Arthur. To make up stories and songs. To take a walk or even two.

We still have days when I’m unbelievably tired and Arthur seems to have woken up on the wrong side of the bed but, they are few and far between. Even though our little dude is teething, he’s still pretty happy, smiley, playful, he’s still awesome. And I can manage the bad days so much better now. It used to make me so anxious when Arthur would cry. Babies cry. It’s their way of communicating. But for me when Arthur would cry I used to thing there was something really wrong. It upset me, really got to me because I felt like we weren’t doing enough, we weren’t doing the right things.

I remember when Arthur was around 3 weeks old someone said to me; “don’t worry, you’ll get to know all his different cries”. I remember looking at her and nodding and smiling but thinking in my head; “what the heck, all the crying sounds the same?! How will I ever know???” But now I do. It took a while but I do know his different cries now. It makes life a lot easier.

So soon it will be back to just me and Arth in the daytime for most days. But I think we got this Arth. Plus there’s always chocolate to help me get through the tougher days haha.

Stay tuned for another one peeps.

Love, Kate. X

So do you ever feel like you don’t really like each other…

So here we are. So me and Jord have certainly had our ups and downs. We went through a lot together and made it through. But I still have moments when he annoys the crap out of me. When he’s snoring and I’m doing the 4am night feed and I’m so jealous he’s sleeping and I’m not. When you get into sort of “well I’ve done this and I’ve done that” kind of argument. He’s quite competitive and he always seems to compare what each of us have done.

But we still laugh together a lot. We’re very different in some ways but very similar in others. He will always put his clothes on the floor, right by the laundry basket (why?!) but he also buys me chocolate when I ask for a present from the shop. We’ll argue over how he always seems to never have enough sleep but he does let me lay on his side of the bed when I’m having a nap after keeping it warm.

Having a baby is hard, it’s exhausting, you kind of forget who you were as a couple before this little human came along. Now there’s three in the bed and you realise you haven’t kissed your partner for days. You don’t eat together very often, one of you is usually holding the babe. You snap at each other over the littlest things. But then a couple of days later you’ve completely forgotten about it. Rare sitting down and eating is more special when you do. And you’ll probably never get to finish that film you started off days ago but least you still want to watch half a film together.

Money will always be a hot topic (babies are pretty expensive) but you’ll always make it work. Even after a few arguments maybe, you’ll figure it out together. I have a new found respect, new feelings of love, pride for Jord. He’s an amazing father. I had no doubt he would be but it’s magical to actually see him with Arthur. Their my family. Their my home. I don’t remember what me and Jord were like before Arth came along but I don’t really want too.

So if your currently in the endless feeds, sleepless nights, pissing each other off stage, don’t worry, you’ll always pee each other off haha. But hopefully you’ll always laugh too. Jord still chases me round the kitchen to tickle me, although now we both get a bit out of breath a bit quicker haha. You’ll hopefully bring each other more smiles than raised voices. More love and less plotting to poison each other.

For me, I try and sleep as much as I can. But I try and let Jord rest too. Sleep helps so much. It works out well because I’m a morning person and Jord is a night owl. We make a good team (most of the time). If you find you’ve haven’t said I love you in a while, say it. Make them a cup of tea just because. Hug them. Kiss them in the morning even if they have very stinky breath (hold your nose). It’s the little things that go along way.

That’s our story.

Me and Jord are far from perfect. But we love each other, so I guess that’s something.

Stay tuned peeps.

Love, Kate. X

So here he is.

So there we were. What I went through was hard for my partner Jordan too. It really tested our relationship. Becoming parents for the first time is hard enough, going through a mental health illness at the same time, everything becomes even harder.

Jord explained how he felt sad to see me go through PND. But mainly he was angry. He was angry because he didn’t get to have the same experience that most first time Dads do. He had to visit me and Arthur, he spent a lot of time and money on travelling to see us when we should of been at home with him. We should of been doing all the firsts together. Seeing all of the firsts together. Instead he was going home alone every night.

I knew he was angry and part of me wanted him to scream and shout at me (he never did). I guess I wanted him to get it out, to let go of the anger. But looking back I don’t think it would of done us much good. Jord never fully understood but he was always there. He tried to understand but I don’t think anyone ever really can unless they’ve been through it themselves. We cried together, we laughed and had genuine happy moments. We also had moments that will always be in my mind, so sad and final, me talking about not wanting to live and almost saying goodbye. But Jord always fought for me. He would tell me he wasn’t going to let me go, and he never did.

Despite being angry, hurt and sad because the situation he knew it wasn’t my fault. He said he never felt completely comfortable coming to see us. He wanted us at home so we could feel at home, so we could be together. I will always feel guilty for putting Jord through PND, for taking Arthur away from him. Although I know it wasn’t my fault too, the guilt is always there. I don’t think it will ever go away. Neither will the terrified feeling that this may happen to me again when we have another child. But I’ve learnt to take each day as it comes. I’m trying not to look back, not to look much ahead but to just be where I am right now.

Jord has explained to me it was really hard for him but deep down he knew I was in the right place. He knew I had to be there, he knew I needed help. Through it all, we made it. I believe it as made us stronger than ever. Despite that I still wish every single day I never went through what I did, and I never put my family, Jord and my friends through what I did. But it happened. We can’t change the past. Now we’re a happy family of three, our biggest battle is who’s going to change the explosive nappy. Most of the time anyway. If your going through something remember, it’s not your fault. Those who love you, partners, friends and family, there will be there for you.

Stay tuned peeps.

Love, Kate x