So we’re back!

So here we are. Thanks for sticking with us guys. We’re back. It’s been a funny time recently. General feeling of feeling a bit lost, unmotivated… not really down just sort of struggling to feel like myself. Me and Jord have both been feeling it I think, both sort of wondering when and if we are going to be able to buy our own home and where it will be.

Thinking about money, jobs, house, hobbies and Little A. It’s all in our minds, all at the same time! Trying to have a social life, spend time with each other and our families, whilst trying to save money. It’s pretty difficult. I’ve found I can sometimes try and be “supermum/ superkate” but I definitely need to remember life is about quality not quantity. I’d rather have more days chilling at home in the garden to save for a few amazing days out.

I also need to remember that things take time. I can be very patient in some ways and very inpatient in others. Saving for a house, it takes time. Getting back into doing what I love after just having a baby, it takes time. Things that are worthwhile never come easy.

So to everyone who has stuck with us whilst we took a little break; thank you for sticking around. I hope too if your struggling to belong, or feeling a bit lost you will find your way. Anyway this was just a little post to say we’re back.

Stay tuned for some more stuff soon.

Love Kate. X

So we’ve had a few tough days.

So here we are. We’ve had a bit of a difficult week really. Arthur hasn’t been very well. It’s been hard. Sickness bug, cold, injections and teething. This has resulted in little sleep for everyone and lots and lots of crying. (From Arthur) It’s brought a new cry which is like he’s in pain which breaks my heart every time.

He’s still smiling, as always. He’s once again astounds me with how brave he is. Of course with little sleep comes increased anxiety from me and little energy. Which in turn means I don’t want to go out, I don’t want or have the time to eat well. But as soon as I do go out I feel better, and when I eat some goodness I feel better. It’s like I just need the initial push. You know what you need to do something but you just can’t find the motivation to do it.

Well this morning I’ve drank more water, had a healthy breakfast and done some writing. Despite a lack of sleep I already feel a little bit better. If you too are having are hard day/ or week I hope you find something or someone to help you feel just that little bit better.

I’m going outside even though it’s miserable and I’m going to eat and drink well today. I’m hoping for a cheeky nap or an early night. I think sometimes we just have to take each day at a time and find a way to get through it. We need people around us and need to do things that make us happy even if we’re a sleepy zombie whilst doing it.

Arthur’s health has always been very anxiety provoking for me. I get very scared and always think of the worst case scenario. He had a tough start to life with quite a few illnesses but he’s a badass and got through each one and I know he’ll get through this too. For such a little dude he has so much strength. He’s my biggest inspiration.

Anxiety is always hard because it makes you question what’s a real worry and what’s not but I always try and trust my instincts. I would rather worry a little bit more about Arthur’s health then miss something. I’ve learnt quickly that babies can become very unwell very quickly. So here’s hoping things pick up this coming week. Despite it being a hard week, I know things will get better eventually.

If you’ve had a hard time recently, take one day at a time. Hey take each day an hour at a time if you have too. Things will get better.

Stay tuned peeps. The only way is up.

Love, Kate x

So parenting and social media.

So here we are. When Arthur was first born me and Jord agreed we weren’t going to post pictures of his face on Facebook or Instagram. We wanted to respect his privacy and thought how when he’s older he might say he didn’t want his pictures online. We told our family and friends that we didn’t want lots of pictures of him online and we didn’t want pictures of his face online at all.

Then I became unwell. After a little while I decided to share my story. It became a release, some where to express and a comfort. Arthur came along for the journey too. Slowly I found myself taking pictures that I wanted to share. Share with people who had sent me support and words of kindness.

I then started to have others message me speaking about their experiences. Often speaking about how they struggled on their own. How they didn’t want to ask for help. Something inside of me felt like I wanted to do this more and more. I wanted to share my story and my experiences. Arthur will always be a part of my story. He comes with me on our journey.

Sometimes I think; when he’s older is he going to like having his picture on social media? But then I think, I don’t think he’s even going to look at it when he gets older! I also think it’s a place to safe memories. I have photo books, photos, pictures in frames but this is another way to keep those memories. A place where I can keep them digitally. Where there will be safe and I often just scroll through my own Instagram and smile at my gorgeous boy and all the ups and downs of motherhood.

There is always a question – am I sharing too much? But there are moments where I think; “No I want these memories to myself” so I don’t share them. I don’t share everything but those moments I do I hope to help someone smile or laugh. I hope to help and receive help and advice from others.

Social media is wonderful in many ways, a place where we can support each other, we can talk and laugh. Where we can read each other’s stories and look at each other’s pictures and feel love. Somewhere where we can lift each other up and empower each other.

Here’s the thing, of course there is always down side as there is too everything. Parenting is scary and sometimes you get judged or questioned. Sometimes things are said where people disagree and debates are created. Sometimes someone may say something that could trigger something in you. But the good outweighs the bad.

There are times when I find myself looking at my phone too much. Too much posting or scrolling. Trying to get that “insta pic” but I can recognise when it’s time to come away from the screen. Sometimes I just leave my phone in a different room and come away from it and just want to be away from it.

I know when enough is enough.

The truth is social media helped me get through a very difficult time. It’s helped me when I’ve had questions as a parent. When I’ve needed time out and needed a laugh. So parenting and social media, it has its pros and cons but for me I’ve decided I enjoy it but I know it’s all about balance.

Stay tuned for another round guys.

Love, Kate x

So there is no right or wrong way.

So here we are. I don’t believe there is any right or wrong way to parent. I do believe that people judge, we question others and make people feel bad for their decisions. Decisions that are right for them and their family. In turn, this has an affect on our mental health. Being a parent is really hard. It’s tiring, emotional, stressful. It’s wonderful and the good will always outweigh the bad but it is hard. I don’t think we should feel judged or guilty for our decisions. Those decisions are not always easy to make and we might even doubt them ourselves but I don’t think we should push our own opinions onto others.

Arthur is now completely bottle fed, do I still feel judged at times because of this? Unfortunately yes. Plagued by comments, pictures, old sayings we are pushed to believe “breast is best” but it might not work for you and that’s okay. Dummies, not for everyone but a lifesaver for others. I remember when I first gave Arth a dummy and I said “only when he’s going to sleep” did that work for us? No. Unfortunately sometimes he’s just very unsettled, he’s not hungry, he might be a little bit tired but not ready for sleep, he might want to play but he also wants his dummy. It works for us so that’s what we go with.

I’m not encouraging or trying to discourage. I’m just explaining that sometimes you have to find what works for you. As long as you do it safely, you have to do what’s right for you and your mini human. They aren’t all the same. They have their own mini personalities. I had to carry Arthur around a lot of the time in a sling when he was younger. He wouldn’t let me put him down, I needed to eat too, even if it was just chocolate!

Playpens? Some people think they trap our mini humans, (yes I have actually heard someone say “trap”) others think they are a safe place to play. For me, having somewhere to put Arthur where I know he’s safe whilst I pee is kind of a godsend! I don’t think he’s trapped because if he wanted to come out I would bring him out.

I feel like we are too dependent on labelling who we are as parents and what we are doing. We try and justify our decisions and explain what kind of parent we are. But I have seen first hand how this can affect our mental health. How by being pushed into what we think we have to be, how we have to feel, how we have to parent, at times it can be too much.

Don’t get me wrong I do believe we are empowering each other too. I believe we are banding together at times and showing support for one another. But I don’t know if we realise how an odd comment or old saying, picture or story can make others feel. I have seen firsthand how the pressures of parenthood can affect your mental health. Those pressures haven’t come from nowhere, we created them. We create arguments and debates, judgements and feelings of doubt in one another. But for some this is harder than others.

I felt the pressure of breastfeeding, the stab of the sayings; “breast milk is liquid gold”. I’ve seen the hard work of handling two children close together. I’ve felt the judgement of having a dummy. Heard the comments of “well you need to be able to manage on your own”. When we say these things, post them, write them, whatever (I say we because I know I have been guilty of it too) I think we just stop for a second and think about how other people might take it.

Think about the parent who has been up all night because they can’t sleep with their baby in their room. Think about the Mum whose despite everything her milk just cannot keep up with her babe. Think about the parent who stays at home and feels guilty for missing work. Think about the parents who look and feel like zombies after another sleepless night. What you say could mean more to them than others. It might have a lasting effect. It might hit them hard.

I still remember many of the things that have been said to me since becoming a mother that have stayed with me but not in a good way. Other people’s opinions or views, stories and beliefs, ones that may be different than mine. Different is not wrong. Different is different. I hope one day we can go about our ways without feeling that judgement, without accidentally putting it across, without doubts. I hope one day we just parent our own way, parent the way that works for us and own it and boss it.

Stay tuned peeps.

Love, Kate x

, P.S Thank you to family, friends, peppa pig, teddies, dummies, playpens, and wipes (apparently a pack of wipes are just so fun) for saving our bums with a moany baby many a times. We parenting the way it works for us!

So what is my PND?

So here I am. I’m not an expert on PND, I don’t pretend to be. I can only talk about my personal experience. I’m not a professional, I don’t have any knowledge. I just have my own journey.

I always find it hard because I feel like you say PND and people automatically assume; you don’t enjoy motherhood, you haven’t bonded with your baby, you don’t feel connected or feel love, it’s not what you thought it would be. Is this the case for everyone? No. That did not happen to me. I never looked at Arthur with anything but love from the second he was here. That’s why when I started to have these thoughts about harming him, my heart broke.

These thoughts would pop into my head when I was feeling anxious, or scared. But I hated them, I hated myself. I never doubted for a second how much I loved my son. I was breaking that this was happening and despite loving him so much I felt like I didn’t want to live. I felt like he would be better off without me. I felt like I didn’t deserve to be alive and be in his life.

PND does not necessarily mean you don’t know what to with your baby. It doesn’t always mean you struggle to care for them. Caring for Arthur, it felt natural straight away, not easy but I just sort of took to it. I was terrified but he arrived and I didn’t know all the details but I knew it was my job to love, protect and care for him. My anxiety would plague doubts in my mind and I often needed and wanted reassurance. I felt like I was winging it but I sort of already knew my son a little bit. I did grow him for 9 months after all.

We have to remember there is no black and white when it comes to PND. My experience is not the same as others. Do not assume you know what someone has gone through because they tell you they have had PND. Mental health isn’t easy and simple, you can’t just fix everybody in the same way because we all go through the same thing.

They are so many different illnesses and they are so many different stories. They are many reasons why somebody may develop PND. They are different levels of severity of the illness. Some can manage it at home, some may need to go to an acute ward, others like me, go to a mother and baby unit. We’re all different.

I met people who had already had one baby and thought because their first baby was very easy going their second would be the same. I met people who previously had mental health illness’s and then developed PND. Some struggled to cope with having two so close together. No two people are the same.

I’ve seen PND show itself in different ways. I have heard from people’s experiences that they became very angry at others. Some left the situation and couldn’t face parenthood, others struggled to bond with their babies which resulted in low mood. For me, I had instructive thoughts about myself and Arthur, I had intentions of taking my life. If you meet someone with PND, let them tell their story, if they want too, don’t think you know just by hearing “PND”.

It’s hard because everybody goes through something different, I think sometimes people don’t know what to say or do. What I found the most helpful is just people being there. I didn’t like being alone during recovery but it wasn’t because I couldn’t cope or didn’t like being alone with Arthur, it was because I wanted my loved ones with me at a really difficult time. Even if we didn’t talk, even we just sat down together, watched a movie, had something to eat, they were there.

If your reading this and you think somebody might be going through PND or you know they are, let them talk. Be there and listen.

Stay tuned for the next one peeps.

Love, Kate x

Image from Metro.co.uk