So don’t be afraid of needing medication.

So here I am. I’m currently on the maximum dose of antidepressants. Am I ashamed of that? No. I think they are part of what saved my life. I started of on a small dose. It was increased and increased again.

We had quite a few setbacks along our journey and each time would hit me hard. A very low point on the unit was when I was in isolation on my own. I didn’t want Arthur to become unwell again and on the unit I felt like people were avoiding me because they were afraid of catching it. I felt very alone. I confided in a member of staff and explained I wanted to kill myself and how I was going to do it. My antidepressants were increased once again and I became more high risk so I was observed more closely.

It was part of a very up and down journey. I do not know if I would have overcome those very low moments without medication. I am someone who doesn’t even like taking paracetamol. Yes I am a nurse. Yes I know the benefits of medication. But it’s just me. If I can find a way without medication I will do it. But when I became unwell I tried to do it by other means. I went outside, I kept busy, I exercised, saw my friends, my family but I needed more help. I needed professional help.

When I was admitted to Nottingham I couldn’t wait to begin antidepressants. They were my first sign of hope. My first glimmer of a future. I remember the consultant explaining to me they can sometimes at the beginning contribute to you feeling worse before you feel better. My heart dropped at the moment. I was panicked at the thought; how could things get worse than this? Thankfully I didn’t experience that. They did take a few weeks to take affect but then they began to help.

They were then increased again because I was on a very low dose. They wanted to increase then slightly because they start at a small dose to see how your body reacts and if their successful and how the side effects affect you. I’ve think I’ve been quite lucky in I haven’t had many side effects (I don’t think). I’m also lucky that it can also be treated for anxiety.

At a very low point in my time at Winchester they were increased again to the maximum dose. I was wanted to end my life and could not see a way out. I was seen by the doctor and my observations were increased. We decided the antidepressants needed to be increased again. I wanted help. I couldn’t see any hope. I would of tried anything. Anything in the world. Thankfully, I got through that low point. The medication definitely helped.

Unlike for my depression, I tried many different medication for my anxiety. The first one just basically, some of the time, knocked me out for an hour or two, which was good in a way because I was having trouble sleeping when I first became unwell. But if I couldn’t sleep, or if Arthur needed me and there wasn’t chance to sleep then I would feel so tired. I would feel just drained of any energy I did have. It took me a while to realise this but when I did I stopped taking it.

Then I tried something for anxiety which affected my milk supply. This is when the issues escalated with breastfeeding and my anxiety along with it. Soon I stopped that one too. And then their was the final anxiety medication that caused me to sleep through Arthur waking up in the morning. I’ll never forget waking up and him not being there. I had seen him just a little while before in the night and I was on the unit so I was sure he was safe but, I was so confused; why did they take him? Was he alright? When I find him the staff member explained he had started to wake up and cry. My heart broke. I had slept through him crying. I will never forget that feeling of guilt. Never. I had taken that last medication for a day or two, it was then stopped too.

So my experience with anti anxiety medication has not been positive. Eventually I decided I wasn’t going to take any specifically for my anxiety. I was going to try and manage it on my own, without medication. Months later, I’m still managing. The anxiety slowly (very slowly) decreased. I didn’t really realise how much it truly affected me until I now long back. I was a mess! It ruled me. I was afraid of everything. Everything was a risk. Everything was a danger to Arthur. And I had to protect him from everything. It was exhausting. I still have my odd moments but it is a world away from what it once was.

I am not ashamed I am still on antidepressants. I am not ashamed I need medication to help me. I hope it’s not forever, just because one day I would like to be completely free of this. But for the moment, those little tablets are what I need. If you’re are struggling please don’t be ashamed in getting help. Don’t be closed off from the idea of medication. And don’t think you will HAVE to have it. You might not. Help comes in many different ways. Don’t be ashamed of needing it. We all do sometimes.

Love, Kate. X

So those thoughts.

So there we were. This post might be a bit hard to read for some. It might be triggering so please don’t read if your feeling in a bad place. Instead talk to someone, anyone.

So I won’t ever forget those very dark days. Those days when the intrusive thoughts were so frequent. I could handle them about me, yes they were scary, but those thoughts about Arthur, they broke me. They happened a lot at the beginning and they plagued me, they made me doubt myself, they made me believe I would never get better.

Often those thoughts would come from a risk, like if there was a car going fast, I’d think about Arthur’s pram going out into the road. They were devastating. I was fighting with my own mind and every time I thought about something like that I would then feel hopeless. Sometimes they would come from nowhere, those are the ones that hurt the most.

I think for a lot of people, there is a certain time of day that is harder than the rest. For me it was usually in the evening. I would become very tired, I would often be on my own and it would come to the time where all I wanted to do was sleep but I probably wouldn’t. Least not at the beginning. I would be physically and mentally worn out. My depression meant I was desperate for sleep but my anxiety wouldn’t let me rest. Plus I was a new Mum and that’s pretty tiring in itself! This is when the thoughts would haunt me.

I remember speaking to a Doctor in Winchester and she told me how intrusive thoughts about your baby were really common. She said how they were normal and a lot more people had them then I might think. But I sobbed to her, I broke down and swore that if they continued I would not carry on living. I couldn’t deal with them being in my mind all the time. I couldn’t imagine living with them forever.

She told they would stop and she told me something that I didn’t understand and still don’t now really; these thoughts come from a place of love. She tried to explain the best she could but I still don’t really understand but she assured me they would stop. I still have one every now and again but I think everyone does. Ever thought about smothering your partner whilst they snore away keeping you awake? I know I have! (Sorry Jord).

But the thing is; thoughts are just thoughts. They are just that. They are not actions, they are not real, not really. They are there in your mind but they go away as quickly as they come. I wouldn’t ever hurt anyone. But to have those in your mind all day every day, it’s exhausting. The images, the feelings that go along with them, they break you down.

Every time I would feel a bit of hope they would come and I would be knocked back down again. It was the times when it there was silence. And this scared me very much. I thought to myself; “will I ever be able to be still again? To be at peace where I can sit in silence without fighting my own mind? Will I ever be able to just drift off to sleep and have a restful night?” Thankfully I am a world away from where I once was. It feels like I’m so much lighter. It’s only in the last couple of months I’ve actually felt like I’m not tired anymore. I’m no longer exhausted, mentally and physically, I am no longer fighting so hard to stay alive.

If your having these thoughts, if you feel like the world is becoming dark and your losing hope, PLEASE talk to someone. Anyone. You can talk to me, you can find me on Instagram at katehereiam

If your worried about someone else, reach out to them, or reach out to somebody who could help. Don’t let them fight alone.

Don’t be ashamed and scared of what people will think because people will help you. And you WILL get better.

Stay tuned. Until next time guys.

Love, Kate. X

So remember the power of your words.

So here we are. It’s sad to see that some people can’t see that their words affect others. Something you might say in passing might remain with someone else for a very long time. I have experienced this first hand. I still remember the stinging words about how breastfeeding is best. I remember crying and letting it consume me and thinking about it all day long.

I remember people telling me when suffering with crippling anxiety; “you don’t know everything, you can’t control it all”. Actually that’s not what it’s about. It’s about being afraid of everything. It’s not about thinking you know everything so doing it your way. Tough love doesn’t really work, the words just hurt.

I remember hearing people say “there’s loads of nutters out there.” Feeling broken that we still live in a society where people thing that’s an okay thing to say. I remember another person talking about how they would hate to be in a “nuthouse”. All I could think about was; that’s me, they are describing me, my life, that’s not an okay thing to say.

I remember hearing someone say; “eurgh you don’t want this disgusting stuff do you?!”, when giving another persons baby formula. I’ve had people ask me “well it’s not hard to look after a baby?!” And “what do you all day?” Babies, are hard work, being a parent is hard work.

Words hurt. I won’t ever forget many of the things I have read about being a mother, a woman, being on social media, having a mental health illness. I won’t forget all the little comments, the things that people say without thinking. They are still some people who live behind current times and think; women belong in the kitchen, women shouldn’t work, mental health illness is “mental health issues”. Having an mental illness means you’re a “nutter” or “you’re crazy”.

Remember the power of words. I have seen and felt the pressure of other people’s views, others comments and opinions. For some, they mean so much. I’ve cried many tears over what other people have said to me. What other people have joked about, the comments and the questions.

Whatever way you decide to parent, live, be, if it’s not hurting anyone else, if it’s safe and it makes you/ your loved ones happy? What’s wrong with it? Sometimes you don’t have to give your opinion if they don’t ask for it. Before you think of a little comment or a joke, remember not everybody feels the same as you. Remember some things hit home.

You do not know what battle somebody is fighting by looking at them. And you do not know somebody from looking at their life on a screen. You do not know who they are from reading about them. You don’t know what kind of person they are. You don’t know what your words might mean to them. You don’t know what your words could do.

Think before you speak. And if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it! Don’t call illnesses names, don’t judge others by their circumstances. Just don’t do it. Words can be so powerful. They can be so hurtful. For someone who is struggling it could be the very last thing they need.

But most people are wonderful. Sometimes the kindest words from someone else can stay with you for a lifetime. You can remember those words years later and still smile. Remember the power of good words. Remember the power of kindness.

Stay tuned for another one guys.

Love, Kate x

So we’re back!

So here we are. Thanks for sticking with us guys. We’re back. It’s been a funny time recently. General feeling of feeling a bit lost, unmotivated… not really down just sort of struggling to feel like myself. Me and Jord have both been feeling it I think, both sort of wondering when and if we are going to be able to buy our own home and where it will be.

Thinking about money, jobs, house, hobbies and Little A. It’s all in our minds, all at the same time! Trying to have a social life, spend time with each other and our families, whilst trying to save money. It’s pretty difficult. I’ve found I can sometimes try and be “supermum/ superkate” but I definitely need to remember life is about quality not quantity. I’d rather have more days chilling at home in the garden to save for a few amazing days out.

I also need to remember that things take time. I can be very patient in some ways and very inpatient in others. Saving for a house, it takes time. Getting back into doing what I love after just having a baby, it takes time. Things that are worthwhile never come easy.

So to everyone who has stuck with us whilst we took a little break; thank you for sticking around. I hope too if your struggling to belong, or feeling a bit lost you will find your way. Anyway this was just a little post to say we’re back.

Stay tuned for some more stuff soon.

Love Kate. X

So we’ve had a few tough days.

So here we are. We’ve had a bit of a difficult week really. Arthur hasn’t been very well. It’s been hard. Sickness bug, cold, injections and teething. This has resulted in little sleep for everyone and lots and lots of crying. (From Arthur) It’s brought a new cry which is like he’s in pain which breaks my heart every time.

He’s still smiling, as always. He’s once again astounds me with how brave he is. Of course with little sleep comes increased anxiety from me and little energy. Which in turn means I don’t want to go out, I don’t want or have the time to eat well. But as soon as I do go out I feel better, and when I eat some goodness I feel better. It’s like I just need the initial push. You know what you need to do something but you just can’t find the motivation to do it.

Well this morning I’ve drank more water, had a healthy breakfast and done some writing. Despite a lack of sleep I already feel a little bit better. If you too are having are hard day/ or week I hope you find something or someone to help you feel just that little bit better.

I’m going outside even though it’s miserable and I’m going to eat and drink well today. I’m hoping for a cheeky nap or an early night. I think sometimes we just have to take each day at a time and find a way to get through it. We need people around us and need to do things that make us happy even if we’re a sleepy zombie whilst doing it.

Arthur’s health has always been very anxiety provoking for me. I get very scared and always think of the worst case scenario. He had a tough start to life with quite a few illnesses but he’s a badass and got through each one and I know he’ll get through this too. For such a little dude he has so much strength. He’s my biggest inspiration.

Anxiety is always hard because it makes you question what’s a real worry and what’s not but I always try and trust my instincts. I would rather worry a little bit more about Arthur’s health then miss something. I’ve learnt quickly that babies can become very unwell very quickly. So here’s hoping things pick up this coming week. Despite it being a hard week, I know things will get better eventually.

If you’ve had a hard time recently, take one day at a time. Hey take each day an hour at a time if you have too. Things will get better.

Stay tuned peeps. The only way is up.

Love, Kate x

So parenting and social media.

So here we are. When Arthur was first born me and Jord agreed we weren’t going to post pictures of his face on Facebook or Instagram. We wanted to respect his privacy and thought how when he’s older he might say he didn’t want his pictures online. We told our family and friends that we didn’t want lots of pictures of him online and we didn’t want pictures of his face online at all.

Then I became unwell. After a little while I decided to share my story. It became a release, some where to express and a comfort. Arthur came along for the journey too. Slowly I found myself taking pictures that I wanted to share. Share with people who had sent me support and words of kindness.

I then started to have others message me speaking about their experiences. Often speaking about how they struggled on their own. How they didn’t want to ask for help. Something inside of me felt like I wanted to do this more and more. I wanted to share my story and my experiences. Arthur will always be a part of my story. He comes with me on our journey.

Sometimes I think; when he’s older is he going to like having his picture on social media? But then I think, I don’t think he’s even going to look at it when he gets older! I also think it’s a place to safe memories. I have photo books, photos, pictures in frames but this is another way to keep those memories. A place where I can keep them digitally. Where there will be safe and I often just scroll through my own Instagram and smile at my gorgeous boy and all the ups and downs of motherhood.

There is always a question – am I sharing too much? But there are moments where I think; “No I want these memories to myself” so I don’t share them. I don’t share everything but those moments I do I hope to help someone smile or laugh. I hope to help and receive help and advice from others.

Social media is wonderful in many ways, a place where we can support each other, we can talk and laugh. Where we can read each other’s stories and look at each other’s pictures and feel love. Somewhere where we can lift each other up and empower each other.

Here’s the thing, of course there is always down side as there is too everything. Parenting is scary and sometimes you get judged or questioned. Sometimes things are said where people disagree and debates are created. Sometimes someone may say something that could trigger something in you. But the good outweighs the bad.

There are times when I find myself looking at my phone too much. Too much posting or scrolling. Trying to get that “insta pic” but I can recognise when it’s time to come away from the screen. Sometimes I just leave my phone in a different room and come away from it and just want to be away from it.

I know when enough is enough.

The truth is social media helped me get through a very difficult time. It’s helped me when I’ve had questions as a parent. When I’ve needed time out and needed a laugh. So parenting and social media, it has its pros and cons but for me I’ve decided I enjoy it but I know it’s all about balance.

Stay tuned for another round guys.

Love, Kate x

So what is my PND?

So here I am. I’m not an expert on PND, I don’t pretend to be. I can only talk about my personal experience. I’m not a professional, I don’t have any knowledge. I just have my own journey.

I always find it hard because I feel like you say PND and people automatically assume; you don’t enjoy motherhood, you haven’t bonded with your baby, you don’t feel connected or feel love, it’s not what you thought it would be. Is this the case for everyone? No. That did not happen to me. I never looked at Arthur with anything but love from the second he was here. That’s why when I started to have these thoughts about harming him, my heart broke.

These thoughts would pop into my head when I was feeling anxious, or scared. But I hated them, I hated myself. I never doubted for a second how much I loved my son. I was breaking that this was happening and despite loving him so much I felt like I didn’t want to live. I felt like he would be better off without me. I felt like I didn’t deserve to be alive and be in his life.

PND does not necessarily mean you don’t know what to with your baby. It doesn’t always mean you struggle to care for them. Caring for Arthur, it felt natural straight away, not easy but I just sort of took to it. I was terrified but he arrived and I didn’t know all the details but I knew it was my job to love, protect and care for him. My anxiety would plague doubts in my mind and I often needed and wanted reassurance. I felt like I was winging it but I sort of already knew my son a little bit. I did grow him for 9 months after all.

We have to remember there is no black and white when it comes to PND. My experience is not the same as others. Do not assume you know what someone has gone through because they tell you they have had PND. Mental health isn’t easy and simple, you can’t just fix everybody in the same way because we all go through the same thing.

They are so many different illnesses and they are so many different stories. They are many reasons why somebody may develop PND. They are different levels of severity of the illness. Some can manage it at home, some may need to go to an acute ward, others like me, go to a mother and baby unit. We’re all different.

I met people who had already had one baby and thought because their first baby was very easy going their second would be the same. I met people who previously had mental health illness’s and then developed PND. Some struggled to cope with having two so close together. No two people are the same.

I’ve seen PND show itself in different ways. I have heard from people’s experiences that they became very angry at others. Some left the situation and couldn’t face parenthood, others struggled to bond with their babies which resulted in low mood. For me, I had instructive thoughts about myself and Arthur, I had intentions of taking my life. If you meet someone with PND, let them tell their story, if they want too, don’t think you know just by hearing “PND”.

It’s hard because everybody goes through something different, I think sometimes people don’t know what to say or do. What I found the most helpful is just people being there. I didn’t like being alone during recovery but it wasn’t because I couldn’t cope or didn’t like being alone with Arthur, it was because I wanted my loved ones with me at a really difficult time. Even if we didn’t talk, even we just sat down together, watched a movie, had something to eat, they were there.

If your reading this and you think somebody might be going through PND or you know they are, let them talk. Be there and listen.

Stay tuned for the next one peeps.

Love, Kate x

Image from Metro.co.uk