So here we are. The question we get asked that is always annoying. When are we having a another baby? I’m thinking of getting a tshirt that says “none of your bloody business” and then just pointing to it when anyone asks or starts to talk about it.

I’ve been that annoying person too. The nosey, annoying person “aww so they’ll need a brother or sister soon! So when you thinking about having a another one? It will be time for another one soon!” I want to go back in time and punch myself. Shut up me. It’s none of your bloody business when someone else has another baby. IF they have a another baby. Just please, shut up me.

Now I know what’s it like. Stop asking people! I’ve been told it’s good to have two close together, I’ve been told it’s good to have a bit of an age gap. But it’s our choice. If we are lucky to be able to have more babies, yes we do want them, we will have them when we want too. We will have them when we think it’s best. It’s our decision.

Pregnancy is hard. Babies are hard. They are expensive. Your whole life changes. Your body, your time, your work, money, energy. It all changes. Your life gets turned upside down. And last time my world got turned upside down on a whole other level. Last time I had a baby I wanted to end my life. I didn’t think I deserved to live, i thought everyone would be better off without me. Convinced something terrible was going to happen to my baby, convinced I was a terrible human being. I do not want to ever feel like that again.

That feeling of complete hopelessness, it’s not something anyone should have to feel. It’s not something I ever want to go through again. Waking up every day trying to find the will to stay alive? It’s exhausting. Being on a mother and baby unit helped save my life. But I do not want to ever go back to one. I might. But I don’t want too. I’ve seen the darkness of PND and I don’t ever want to see it again. So more babies? No, not yet.

For a million and one reasons, no not yet. For the biggest reason? Mentally, I’m not ready. Will I ever be “ready”? I don’t know. But I do think time will help. I do think time will be my friend in this situation. I’m still recovering, I’m still figuring life out. Life with PND, after it, life with anxiety and everything in between. I’m more likely to develop PND again then others who haven’t had it. But I’m hoping, if I do, it will not hit me as hard. I will, as much as I can be, be prepared for it. In a way, in a sad way, I’ll be expecting it. But that’s life. That’s my life, and it’s ok.

But more babies now? Soon? No not yet. That’s also ok. We could wait 10 years if we wanted too. We don’t HAVE to have more babies. We might not be able to have more babies. You don’t know what is going to happen. But, it’s our choice, it’s our life, just let it be. We don’t have to always know what’s happening in other people’s life. But I know. Trust me I know, the questions, they just pop out. Like word vomit (good old mean girls reference there). Like those pop up toys. Those cards that explode when you open them. Pop, explode, we all do it. We all ask the annoying questions.

But next time maybe when I can feel it coming I’m coming to say in my head “oh shut up me”. If it comes out I’m going to then something like “sorry, that’s none of my business, I’ll stop being a nosey bugger”. Because I know what it’s like. And it is bloody annoying. Like slow walkers when your trying to get somewhere quick. Like really loud people when you’ve just got your baby to sleep. Like realising you haven’t got any milk left after making yourself a cup of tea. That kind of annoying. So yeah. Shut up me.

So as much as I love tiny, squidgy newborns (especially newborn Arth, just loooook), it’s not right for us yet. It’s not our time again yet.

I guess this one is sort of a reminder to myself. A reminder that we can’t have another babe now. A reminder to myself that sometimes it’s annoying to be bloody annoying. Also it’s bit annoying how much I’ve said annoying in this post right? (Shut up, just shut up Katie)

Stay tuned for another one guys. I promise I won’t always try and be funny and fail miserably…

Love, Kate. (Or Katie) x