Tag: #postnataldepression #mentalhealth #motherhood #mystory #bethereforsomeone #gettinghelp #letstalk

So those thoughts.

So there we were. This post might be a bit hard to read for some. It might be triggering so please don’t read if your feeling in a bad place. Instead talk to someone, anyone.

So I won’t ever forget those very dark days. Those days when the intrusive thoughts were so frequent. I could handle them about me, yes they were scary, but those thoughts about Arthur, they broke me. They happened a lot at the beginning and they plagued me, they made me doubt myself, they made me believe I would never get better.

Often those thoughts would come from a risk, like if there was a car going fast, I’d think about Arthur’s pram going out into the road. They were devastating. I was fighting with my own mind and every time I thought about something like that I would then feel hopeless. Sometimes they would come from nowhere, those are the ones that hurt the most.

I think for a lot of people, there is a certain time of day that is harder than the rest. For me it was usually in the evening. I would become very tired, I would often be on my own and it would come to the time where all I wanted to do was sleep but I probably wouldn’t. Least not at the beginning. I would be physically and mentally worn out. My depression meant I was desperate for sleep but my anxiety wouldn’t let me rest. Plus I was a new Mum and that’s pretty tiring in itself! This is when the thoughts would haunt me.

I remember speaking to a Doctor in Winchester and she told me how intrusive thoughts about your baby were really common. She said how they were normal and a lot more people had them then I might think. But I sobbed to her, I broke down and swore that if they continued I would not carry on living. I couldn’t deal with them being in my mind all the time. I couldn’t imagine living with them forever.

She told they would stop and she told me something that I didn’t understand and still don’t now really; these thoughts come from a place of love. She tried to explain the best she could but I still don’t really understand but she assured me they would stop. I still have one every now and again but I think everyone does. Ever thought about smothering your partner whilst they snore away keeping you awake? I know I have! (Sorry Jord).

But the thing is; thoughts are just thoughts. They are just that. They are not actions, they are not real, not really. They are there in your mind but they go away as quickly as they come. I wouldn’t ever hurt anyone. But to have those in your mind all day every day, it’s exhausting. The images, the feelings that go along with them, they break you down.

Every time I would feel a bit of hope they would come and I would be knocked back down again. It was the times when it there was silence. And this scared me very much. I thought to myself; “will I ever be able to be still again? To be at peace where I can sit in silence without fighting my own mind? Will I ever be able to just drift off to sleep and have a restful night?” Thankfully I am a world away from where I once was. It feels like I’m so much lighter. It’s only in the last couple of months I’ve actually felt like I’m not tired anymore. I’m no longer exhausted, mentally and physically, I am no longer fighting so hard to stay alive.

If your having these thoughts, if you feel like the world is becoming dark and your losing hope, PLEASE talk to someone. Anyone. You can talk to me, you can find me on Instagram at katehereiam

If your worried about someone else, reach out to them, or reach out to somebody who could help. Don’t let them fight alone.

Don’t be ashamed and scared of what people will think because people will help you. And you WILL get better.

Stay tuned. Until next time guys.

Love, Kate. X

So what is my PND?

So here I am. I’m not an expert on PND, I don’t pretend to be. I can only talk about my personal experience. I’m not a professional, I don’t have any knowledge. I just have my own journey.

I always find it hard because I feel like you say PND and people automatically assume; you don’t enjoy motherhood, you haven’t bonded with your baby, you don’t feel connected or feel love, it’s not what you thought it would be. Is this the case for everyone? No. That did not happen to me. I never looked at Arthur with anything but love from the second he was here. That’s why when I started to have these thoughts about harming him, my heart broke.

These thoughts would pop into my head when I was feeling anxious, or scared. But I hated them, I hated myself. I never doubted for a second how much I loved my son. I was breaking that this was happening and despite loving him so much I felt like I didn’t want to live. I felt like he would be better off without me. I felt like I didn’t deserve to be alive and be in his life.

PND does not necessarily mean you don’t know what to with your baby. It doesn’t always mean you struggle to care for them. Caring for Arthur, it felt natural straight away, not easy but I just sort of took to it. I was terrified but he arrived and I didn’t know all the details but I knew it was my job to love, protect and care for him. My anxiety would plague doubts in my mind and I often needed and wanted reassurance. I felt like I was winging it but I sort of already knew my son a little bit. I did grow him for 9 months after all.

We have to remember there is no black and white when it comes to PND. My experience is not the same as others. Do not assume you know what someone has gone through because they tell you they have had PND. Mental health isn’t easy and simple, you can’t just fix everybody in the same way because we all go through the same thing.

They are so many different illnesses and they are so many different stories. They are many reasons why somebody may develop PND. They are different levels of severity of the illness. Some can manage it at home, some may need to go to an acute ward, others like me, go to a mother and baby unit. We’re all different.

I met people who had already had one baby and thought because their first baby was very easy going their second would be the same. I met people who previously had mental health illness’s and then developed PND. Some struggled to cope with having two so close together. No two people are the same.

I’ve seen PND show itself in different ways. I have heard from people’s experiences that they became very angry at others. Some left the situation and couldn’t face parenthood, others struggled to bond with their babies which resulted in low mood. For me, I had instructive thoughts about myself and Arthur, I had intentions of taking my life. If you meet someone with PND, let them tell their story, if they want too, don’t think you know just by hearing “PND”.

It’s hard because everybody goes through something different, I think sometimes people don’t know what to say or do. What I found the most helpful is just people being there. I didn’t like being alone during recovery but it wasn’t because I couldn’t cope or didn’t like being alone with Arthur, it was because I wanted my loved ones with me at a really difficult time. Even if we didn’t talk, even we just sat down together, watched a movie, had something to eat, they were there.

If your reading this and you think somebody might be going through PND or you know they are, let them talk. Be there and listen.

Stay tuned for the next one peeps.

Love, Kate x

Image from Metro.co.uk