So something I can’t shake but I’m learning to come to peace with…

So here we are. A big anxiety for me that I don’t think will ever leave me, Arthur’s eating. When we were breastfeeding it was scary not being able to see how much he was having. Then we had issue after issue with breastfeeding. Then he started to have more bottles and my anxiety changed to being scared about his health. Then we stopped boobing altogether at 6 months, I sort of came to terms with that.

It still saddens me now but the anxiety calmed down. Then came weaning, oh weaning. Some days I can get Arth to eat 3 meals and sometimes even snacks in between. Other days I’m lucky if I can get him to have a few spoonfuls of anything. With that comes the anxiety, is he having enough? Am I trying him with enough foods? Spoon feeding, brings anxiety, is he going to become to dependent on being fed? So we also do baby led, more food on the floor, meaning he’s not actually eating much…equals anxiety.

I find he coughs and splutters a bit more with baby led too. I have images in my head of having to practice my paediatric basic life support, i don’t ever want to have to practice it. But every time we sit down to eat, I’m ready. I stay calm because being panicked whilst Arthur is eating will not help me. Maybe it’s the emergency nurse in me, the one calm but ready. Jord however is more panicked which in turn makes me feel very anxious. The slightest cough and he springs up. But he will cough, he’s learning to chew, learning about different consistency’s.

But when he jumps up I then feel guilty, I feel bad because I think; “am I too relaxed about this?” People put doubts in my mind with the comments, “are you sure he can have that?

⁃ I think what you gave him earlier is still stuck in his throat.

⁃ After you’ve given him that he might need some liquid to wash it down.

⁃ He still won’t take water? Oh dear, he really should.” All the questioning, it makes me doubt myself. It makes me doubt my parenting ability.

But i feel like I am at peace a little bit with my anxiety. I know it’s there. It is not my friend and I will not let it control me. I won’t let it rule me. It’s there but it is not me. Weaning, it’s hard, it’s scary but it’s something that needs to happen. I think we should learn to trust ourselves more in what we do for our own babies. We should learn to be more confident in what we do. My health visitor told me, babies can have everything we have after around 6 months. Except honey, until their 1. I go by this. Obviously I don’t feed Arth spicy, salty, sugary goodness all day every day. But yeah, I’m learning on the job. I’m winging it, parenting, weaning and everything. But I know my boy.

A lot of anxiety comes from other people. Other people’s comments, opinions, I know they are not meant to cause anxiety. But for me I remember them all. I don’t really know the answer. I don’t really have a solution. Just maybe, as I’ve said before, we should try not to be very concerned with what other people are doing. Sometimes I ask for help, I ask for advise, for other people’s stories. But sometimes I don’t and I still get it. Then something is said and I feel this pang in my stomach and suddenly I’m doubting everything I know.

Anxiety is horrible. If you know someone with it, I’m not saying treat them differently, I’m not saying they need to be shielded. I’m just saying, if your talking to them and then you see them suddenly quiet, they look worried, scared, like their thinking. Maybe just ask them; are you ok? Did I say something that worried you? Did you need a minute by yourself or would you like to talk about it? Shall we talk about something else completely? How can I help?

Yesterday evening, as the sun was setting, me and Arth sat in a field together. No phone, no noise, nothing. Just me and my boy sat down together playing with the grass. It was wonderful. Moments like that take you away from your racing mind for a little while. They let you have some peace, some true calm. If you feel like anxiety is getting the better of you, fresh air, for me, it’s wonderful (and it’s free haha!).

Stay tuned for another one peeps.

Love, Kate. X

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