So I made a tshirt!

So here we are. I saw somebody had created their own tshirt raising awareness of mental health and I decided I would like to join in. I personally have suffered with post-natal depression and anxiety and come through the other side. I still felt moments of happiness but it always felt tainted, like I had a black cloud always hanging over me.

I created a range of sayings/slogans that I felt best described what you can go through during a mental health illness. I decided on All the highs and all the lows. We some help from my friends and family.

I then set to work, drawing, creating, but I am not an artist. I tried my best to draw my own design but it never came out how I imagined it.

Anyway I decided on a very simple design and thought I would go from there.

I don’t know if anyone will purchase the tshirts but if they do I would love to give back to some mental health charities.

You never know if you might develop a mental health illness in your life, but if you do, you are never alone.

Love, Kate. x

There’s lots of different styles so take a look! 🙂

https://www.mercht.com/c/outoftheshowersandintothesunshine

So, soon I’ll be back on my own.

So here we are. It’s been the three of us for about three weeks now because Jord had some time off before his new job starts on Tuesday. Which of course means it’s going to be just me and Arth again. I’m feeling all the emotions.

I’ve not been on my own for a full day whilst in Bristol yet. I still haven’t passed my driving test and we kinda live out in the sticks. So I’m sort of a bit stuck. There’s beautiful countryside and lots of places to walk but you can’t really get very far without a car.

My biggest fear is feeling isolated, feeling like I’m on my own without being able to go anywhere. Part of my recovery plan is getting outside. Seeing people, doing things, exercising, fresh air. Home is lovely but I think I’m someone who can get too comfortable. I sort of forget how much I love being outside.

But I’m also kind of excited. Arthur is developing such a little personality now, he’s interacting more and more. When Jord was at work before I really enjoyed (most of the time) being with Arthur on my own. It might sound a bit childish but I love it being me and him. He’s my partner in crime.

Of course, I love being with family, friends and of course I love it when Jord is around. But I just mean, I feel like me and Arthur have a wonderful bond and I think it’s because we spend so much time together. I never want to lose that. I’m scared if we don’t spend so much time together, we might.

It is hard work and some days I found myself not being able to put down a very clingy baby. But Arthur is definitely (touch wood) better at sleeping now in the day, most of the time, he self soothes. I will put him down for a nap when I can see he’s tired and he will fall asleep himself. It took us a long time to get there but we did. It’s so I can grab an hour to eat or have a quick shower.

Things like having a shower, having something to eat, at one point I could really achieve that on my own with Arthur. And it did affect my wellbeing. It sounds like something very small but when your tired and you haven’t managed to eat anything, and you still smell like you did last night, it kind of gets you down.

We have moved forward a lot. Now, I have energy because I can usually get a cheeky nap in when Arthur is napping. I get chance to make myself something to eat and I can make myself drinks throughout the day because Arthur will play on his playmate for a little while, he’ll sit in his chair whilst I eat. It makes all the difference.

Being able to not feel too tired is wonderful. To drink and eat and enjoy food, not try and wolf it down as quickly as possible. That means I have the energy to play, to sing and dance with Arthur. To make up stories and songs. To take a walk or even two.

We still have days when I’m unbelievably tired and Arthur seems to have woken up on the wrong side of the bed but, they are few and far between. Even though our little dude is teething, he’s still pretty happy, smiley, playful, he’s still awesome. And I can manage the bad days so much better now. It used to make me so anxious when Arthur would cry. Babies cry. It’s their way of communicating. But for me when Arthur would cry I used to thing there was something really wrong. It upset me, really got to me because I felt like we weren’t doing enough, we weren’t doing the right things.

I remember when Arthur was around 3 weeks old someone said to me; “don’t worry, you’ll get to know all his different cries”. I remember looking at her and nodding and smiling but thinking in my head; “what the heck, all the crying sounds the same?! How will I ever know???” But now I do. It took a while but I do know his different cries now. It makes life a lot easier.

So soon it will be back to just me and Arth in the daytime for most days. But I think we got this Arth. Plus there’s always chocolate to help me get through the tougher days haha.

Stay tuned for another one peeps.

Love, Kate. X

So I’ve been thinking…

So here I am. So can you have it all when your a Mum? Lately I’ve been thinking about going back to work and the future. I’ve been thinking about what I’d like to do and my future ambitions. I thought about it all really. Writing a book, starting a business, going back to uni, progressing as a nurse. I’ve thought about it all. All ideas, nothing concrete.

However, whenever I think about this I then about Arthur. I think about everything I’m going to miss. I think about how I barely have any time now. I’m pretty much always with him or sleeping. Do I have the energy for anything else? Will I be able to afford childcare? Will we lose our bond? Will it affect him in later life?

I want him to have a childhood where we are there. I want to make the most of this time. It’s going so fast, I feel like if I blink too slowly he’ll be teenager! But I also want a career, I want to fulfil ambitions. I know that money is unfortunately quite important and to have money, we have to work. But how do we get the right balance?

I feel like I don’t have the energy to achieve everything I want to achieve. How do I spend time away from Arthur without feeling guilty? Even just not being there for a bottle or not helping him have a bath makes me feel guilty. I wonder if parent guilt ever goes away. I wonder if it gets easier.

I’m thinking if I want to do more I’m going to have to sleep less. At the moment I usually go to bed about 8, babies are so tiring?! Who knew someone so little could you make you so knackered. But I don’t want to look back on my life and realise I slept for most of it…

However I have dreams but my biggest dream has already come true. But surely you can have more than one dream? I guess I’m still trying to figure it all out. I wonder if anyone has it figured out. Few things I know for sure; I’m so proud to be a mother. I’m so glad I made it through PND and despite having anxiety about the future I’m also excited.

If your reading this and you have any advice I’d love to hear it. How do you find the right balance in life? Not just if your a parent but anyone. How do you make enough time for your family and to socialise? Finically how have you managed? And do you think we can achieve many things in life, realistically?

Stay tuned peeps.

Love, Kate. X

So I feel like I am finding myself again.

So here I am. I feel like I lost myself a little when I became a Mum. Part of that was PND and I think part of it is just becoming a parent. You forget who you are a little. Your life is all about this tiny little human. I lived in leggings and joggers. Found it hard to shower and eat. I was with my little dude, either feeding him or trying to sleep all the time.

Now we seem to be into everything a bit more. I’ve remembered what I enjoy. I feel like I can take a little bit more time to eat and to sit down every now and again. I still haven’t left Arthur for more than 1 and a half max but for me it’s still early days. He will always been my main priority forever now. He’ll always be my little boy. But I feel like I’m figuring who I am again.

I’ve found my own style. I’m getting back into exercise. Enjoying eating and cooking again. I have a horse and have done for 7 years, now I feel like I can give him some time again. Things are settling down. I’m a mum and always will be, but I’m also Kate, my own person.

It took me a long time to realise that you need to be well in yourself to look after your little one. It sounds so silly but when I first became ill I didn’t care about anything to do with myself. I’ll never forget, when I was having one of my many difficult times with feeding I was talking to someone about “fed is best”. I was trying to figure out how long I was going to be able to breastfeed for. I felt like it was slipping away from me and I just wanted what was best for Arthur. A health professional turned round a said to me – “Actually, a well Mum is best.” I’ll never forget it.

How can we look after someone else if we can’t even look after ourselves? Whatever your parenting choices are, you have to feel at ease with them in order to look after a mini human. You have to feel well in yourself. Part of that, I think, is doing things for yourself. Taking care of yourself. Mentally, physically, emotionally. I think to myself – I want to eat well and exercise because I want to be around for a long time for my son. I want to be a grandparent maybe. I want to see him graduate or travel or get married.

I think we all lose ourselves a little bit every now and again. But it feels really fun and exciting to find yourself again. I’m going to take up dancing again. Something I haven’t done in years. I haven’t gotten on my horse since finding out I was pregnant. I’m terrified. But I’m also excited. Everything feels like new again. I’m enjoying fashion and totally excited to match with Arth (yeah I’m that embarrassing parent). I’ve had my haircut and maybe, maybe not, I might put on some makeup again some day haha.

I’m totally winging everything- life, parenthood but it’s all part of the excitement!

Stay tuned peeps.

Love, Kate x

So what helps?

So here we are. I though I’d make a list about some positive things in my life that really helped me through my PND and anxiety.

I don’t think the same things always work for the same people but if I can help anyone or just give somebody something to think about, I think that is positive.

1. Eat and drink well. – so I know how easy it is when your down to not eat, to eat badly or to binge. Trust me I’ve done all three. When I was very unwell I did not want to eat or drink anything. I couldn’t face it. I had no desire to eat, no feelings of hunger. But as I started to get better I did eat. I noticed that it helped. It gave me a little bit of energy. I started to enjoy food again. I started to drink more water. I only drink one or max, two cups of tea a day. I don’t drink alcohol. This isn’t for everyone. I’ve just found when I do eat and drink well I feel better in myself. It helps my body and my mind. But believe me when I say this; I totally believe in treating yourself too! Chocolate comes from a plant so…it’s basically like eating your greens.

2. Go outside. – I didn’t want to go outside when I was very ill but every time I did I would feel better. The fresh air. The bright sky. It helps. It’s refreshing. Even if you just go to the shops for 10 minutes.

3. Exercise. – Go for a walk. Go swimming. Go dancing! Have fun. Exercise realises endorphins and helps lift your mood. Find something you like. That sport you did as a kid? Get back into it! I’m going to start dancing again, I used to when I was younger and just the thought of this gets me excited. I can’t wait.

5. Spend time with your loved ones. – If you can’t face going out to them or even them coming to you then just call them. Or text. Send pictures. Anything. Communicate. I didn’t want to speak to any of my friends or most of my family when I first became unwell. But as soon as I did I would feel a bit better. Even if it was just for a short while. Your loved ones will still make you laugh and think about every day things. They’ll take your mind off those dark thoughts and feelings of hopelessness. But they will also be there if you want to talk, if you want share how your feeling. That’s why they are amazing. That’s why you shouldn’t shut yourself off from them.

6. Go to Mother and baby groups. – (if your a new Mum) – It’s great way to get outside. To watch your little one play and interact with others. You will feel so much pride. I was terrified of this but now I really enjoy it.

7. Do something for you. – Even if it’s just watching your favourite film. Making yourself a hot chocolate with all the trimmings. Buying yourself something. Having a hot bath. Anything. Just do something for yourself. You need to take care of yourself.

8. Go to your favourite place. – Whether it’s the beach, the countryside, surrounded by animals, the city at night, your childhood home, wherever. Go there and stop and just take it in. Whenever I go to the beach I feel so calm. So peaceful. It helps everything else go away.

9. Mindfulness. – Take a little bit of time to stop and think. Bring yourself back to the moment. Try not to worry about the future. Be in the now. Take things slow and one step at a time.

10. And finally something so simple it’s silly, but it’s helped me so much; taking a deep breath. – Stopping, maybe stepping away from a difficult thought or situation and just focus on your breathing. Take deep breaths. Just breathe. I can’t tell you how many times this has helped me.

I could probably go on forever. Some more that I won’t go into too much;

Walking away

Distracting yourself

Resting

Doing what scares you

Different breathing techniques

Relaxation

Art

Listening to music

So much more! There is so much you can do for yourself. Try something, try anything. Talk to someone.

I hope this helps even if it’s just one person in the world.

Look after yourself, stay tuned peeps.

Love, Kate x

EDIT- I totally forgot something that is very important to me at the moment…

Medication. – I am currently on antidepressants and I am not ashamed to admit this. If you need medication to help you get through a tough time in your life that is okay. It doesn’t have to be forever.