So, soon I’ll be back on my own.

So here we are. It’s been the three of us for about three weeks now because Jord had some time off before his new job starts on Tuesday. Which of course means it’s going to be just me and Arth again. I’m feeling all the emotions.

I’ve not been on my own for a full day whilst in Bristol yet. I still haven’t passed my driving test and we kinda live out in the sticks. So I’m sort of a bit stuck. There’s beautiful countryside and lots of places to walk but you can’t really get very far without a car.

My biggest fear is feeling isolated, feeling like I’m on my own without being able to go anywhere. Part of my recovery plan is getting outside. Seeing people, doing things, exercising, fresh air. Home is lovely but I think I’m someone who can get too comfortable. I sort of forget how much I love being outside.

But I’m also kind of excited. Arthur is developing such a little personality now, he’s interacting more and more. When Jord was at work before I really enjoyed (most of the time) being with Arthur on my own. It might sound a bit childish but I love it being me and him. He’s my partner in crime.

Of course, I love being with family, friends and of course I love it when Jord is around. But I just mean, I feel like me and Arthur have a wonderful bond and I think it’s because we spend so much time together. I never want to lose that. I’m scared if we don’t spend so much time together, we might.

It is hard work and some days I found myself not being able to put down a very clingy baby. But Arthur is definitely (touch wood) better at sleeping now in the day, most of the time, he self soothes. I will put him down for a nap when I can see he’s tired and he will fall asleep himself. It took us a long time to get there but we did. It’s so I can grab an hour to eat or have a quick shower.

Things like having a shower, having something to eat, at one point I could really achieve that on my own with Arthur. And it did affect my wellbeing. It sounds like something very small but when your tired and you haven’t managed to eat anything, and you still smell like you did last night, it kind of gets you down.

We have moved forward a lot. Now, I have energy because I can usually get a cheeky nap in when Arthur is napping. I get chance to make myself something to eat and I can make myself drinks throughout the day because Arthur will play on his playmate for a little while, he’ll sit in his chair whilst I eat. It makes all the difference.

Being able to not feel too tired is wonderful. To drink and eat and enjoy food, not try and wolf it down as quickly as possible. That means I have the energy to play, to sing and dance with Arthur. To make up stories and songs. To take a walk or even two.

We still have days when I’m unbelievably tired and Arthur seems to have woken up on the wrong side of the bed but, they are few and far between. Even though our little dude is teething, he’s still pretty happy, smiley, playful, he’s still awesome. And I can manage the bad days so much better now. It used to make me so anxious when Arthur would cry. Babies cry. It’s their way of communicating. But for me when Arthur would cry I used to thing there was something really wrong. It upset me, really got to me because I felt like we weren’t doing enough, we weren’t doing the right things.

I remember when Arthur was around 3 weeks old someone said to me; “don’t worry, you’ll get to know all his different cries”. I remember looking at her and nodding and smiling but thinking in my head; “what the heck, all the crying sounds the same?! How will I ever know???” But now I do. It took a while but I do know his different cries now. It makes life a lot easier.

So soon it will be back to just me and Arth in the daytime for most days. But I think we got this Arth. Plus there’s always chocolate to help me get through the tougher days haha.

Stay tuned for another one peeps.

Love, Kate. X

So, living with anxiety.

So here we are. My anxiety is so much better than of course it once was. I was anxious about a lot of things to do with Arthur. My biggest fear, now and then, is Sudden infant death (SIDS or Cot death) as it’s also known. It haunts me. When I first became ill I use to watch Arthur sleep. I would continuously check if he was still breathing, if he felt too hot or too cold.

I remember one time, we were doing skin to skin whilst feeding and he just kept moaning, coming on and off the boob and I didn’t know what was wrong, I was sure he was hungry. I didn’t realise he was too hot. I took him away from my body and realised he was all sweaty and clammy. The guilt I felt. It was like nothing I’ve ever felt. I become so scared of doing skin to skin after that, convinced he was too at risk of becoming too hot from my own body heat.

Another big fear of mine is Arthur being around smoke. However some of my closest family members smoke, when I’m around them, I am very anxious still, it’s constantly on my mind but I’ve learnt to control it, to live with it, to almost be at peace with it.

I remember when I was pregnant we were at a breastfeeding class and we were saying the pros and cons for breastfeeding (although it didn’t really matter because the midwives were all pro breastfeeding and it almost felt like there were convincing/ pressuring us, but that’s a whole another story). Anyway I said about how breastfeeding was a positive to help prevent SIDS, the midwife said, “Yes but something that we’ve learnt from research is the biggest risk is smoking. They need to be kept away from smoke.” I’ll never forget it. (Mum if your reading this I know why you do it, and I know you’ve tired to stop, I understand, this isn’t to make you feel guilty).

The point is, that’s what my anxiety is about. I remember little things that have been said to me and I become, almost obsessed with them. They go round and round my mind and I never forget them. SIDS is such an evil thing. I still stay up some nights and just keep checking Arthur is okay. It’s one of those things where we know how to minimise the risk, but we can never eliminate it completely. Sometimes it just happens. It makes me so angry that we live in world where this can just happen for no reason at all.

I don’t let Arthur stay in the car seat for longer than two hours. Sometimes he unfortunately has been in there a little bit longer, when it has been inevitable, if it’s very late at night for example and there’s nowhere really safe to stop. But I do become very anxious. I sit in the back with him and keep my eye on him. Because I know the guidelines say they shouldn’t stay in the car seat for longer than 2 hours. It’s bad for their back, more importantly it restricts their airway because of the position their in. I think about this all the time when in the car. But now, I know if it’s getting too much, I need to take a deep breath and look out the window. I can hold Arthur’s hand whilst he sleeps. I can listen to the radio and chat to Jord. I know how to distract myself.

I don’t think I will ever overcome my anxiety around SIDS. I have read the guidelines more than I can remember. I know them off by heart. Sometimes I feel like too much information can do more harm than good. But I know they have to provide us with this information. I used to be so scared about leaving Arthur even to go to the toilet. I would ask somebody to watch him whilst I peed…it would take around a minute for me to do this…a minute?! I just couldn’t let my guard down even for a second. I used to sit somewhere where I could constantly see him. He had to be in my view or I would panic.

Now I am certainly more comfortable and relaxed about Arthur sleeping (most of the time). Often I can hear him. I know when he’s too hot or too cold. He shows me, he tells me. I let him sleep next to me sometimes but I know myself and I trust myself that I wouldn’t fall asleep. Everything is a bit more calmer. A bit more, okay I know my son, I know he will tell me if something is wrong, and I know when something is wrong. Time to relax a little.

I’ve come a long way from where I was. Which shows anyone else can too. It’s still with me and I think it always will be. Even when Arthur isn’t an infant anymore I think I will find something else to feel anxious about. But there’s a big difference from then and now. I don’t stop it from letting me live. I don’t let it beat me. I don’t let anxiety overcome my happiness, my enjoyment of motherhood. I don’t let it win.

Stay tuned for the next one peeps.

Love, Kate. X

So I’ve been thinking…

So here I am. So can you have it all when your a Mum? Lately I’ve been thinking about going back to work and the future. I’ve been thinking about what I’d like to do and my future ambitions. I thought about it all really. Writing a book, starting a business, going back to uni, progressing as a nurse. I’ve thought about it all. All ideas, nothing concrete.

However, whenever I think about this I then about Arthur. I think about everything I’m going to miss. I think about how I barely have any time now. I’m pretty much always with him or sleeping. Do I have the energy for anything else? Will I be able to afford childcare? Will we lose our bond? Will it affect him in later life?

I want him to have a childhood where we are there. I want to make the most of this time. It’s going so fast, I feel like if I blink too slowly he’ll be teenager! But I also want a career, I want to fulfil ambitions. I know that money is unfortunately quite important and to have money, we have to work. But how do we get the right balance?

I feel like I don’t have the energy to achieve everything I want to achieve. How do I spend time away from Arthur without feeling guilty? Even just not being there for a bottle or not helping him have a bath makes me feel guilty. I wonder if parent guilt ever goes away. I wonder if it gets easier.

I’m thinking if I want to do more I’m going to have to sleep less. At the moment I usually go to bed about 8, babies are so tiring?! Who knew someone so little could you make you so knackered. But I don’t want to look back on my life and realise I slept for most of it…

However I have dreams but my biggest dream has already come true. But surely you can have more than one dream? I guess I’m still trying to figure it all out. I wonder if anyone has it figured out. Few things I know for sure; I’m so proud to be a mother. I’m so glad I made it through PND and despite having anxiety about the future I’m also excited.

If your reading this and you have any advice I’d love to hear it. How do you find the right balance in life? Not just if your a parent but anyone. How do you make enough time for your family and to socialise? Finically how have you managed? And do you think we can achieve many things in life, realistically?

Stay tuned peeps.

Love, Kate. X

So do you ever feel like you don’t really like each other…

So here we are. So me and Jord have certainly had our ups and downs. We went through a lot together and made it through. But I still have moments when he annoys the crap out of me. When he’s snoring and I’m doing the 4am night feed and I’m so jealous he’s sleeping and I’m not. When you get into sort of “well I’ve done this and I’ve done that” kind of argument. He’s quite competitive and he always seems to compare what each of us have done.

But we still laugh together a lot. We’re very different in some ways but very similar in others. He will always put his clothes on the floor, right by the laundry basket (why?!) but he also buys me chocolate when I ask for a present from the shop. We’ll argue over how he always seems to never have enough sleep but he does let me lay on his side of the bed when I’m having a nap after keeping it warm.

Having a baby is hard, it’s exhausting, you kind of forget who you were as a couple before this little human came along. Now there’s three in the bed and you realise you haven’t kissed your partner for days. You don’t eat together very often, one of you is usually holding the babe. You snap at each other over the littlest things. But then a couple of days later you’ve completely forgotten about it. Rare sitting down and eating is more special when you do. And you’ll probably never get to finish that film you started off days ago but least you still want to watch half a film together.

Money will always be a hot topic (babies are pretty expensive) but you’ll always make it work. Even after a few arguments maybe, you’ll figure it out together. I have a new found respect, new feelings of love, pride for Jord. He’s an amazing father. I had no doubt he would be but it’s magical to actually see him with Arthur. Their my family. Their my home. I don’t remember what me and Jord were like before Arth came along but I don’t really want too.

So if your currently in the endless feeds, sleepless nights, pissing each other off stage, don’t worry, you’ll always pee each other off haha. But hopefully you’ll always laugh too. Jord still chases me round the kitchen to tickle me, although now we both get a bit out of breath a bit quicker haha. You’ll hopefully bring each other more smiles than raised voices. More love and less plotting to poison each other.

For me, I try and sleep as much as I can. But I try and let Jord rest too. Sleep helps so much. It works out well because I’m a morning person and Jord is a night owl. We make a good team (most of the time). If you find you’ve haven’t said I love you in a while, say it. Make them a cup of tea just because. Hug them. Kiss them in the morning even if they have very stinky breath (hold your nose). It’s the little things that go along way.

That’s our story.

Me and Jord are far from perfect. But we love each other, so I guess that’s something.

Stay tuned peeps.

Love, Kate. X

So I feel like I am finding myself again.

So here I am. I feel like I lost myself a little when I became a Mum. Part of that was PND and I think part of it is just becoming a parent. You forget who you are a little. Your life is all about this tiny little human. I lived in leggings and joggers. Found it hard to shower and eat. I was with my little dude, either feeding him or trying to sleep all the time.

Now we seem to be into everything a bit more. I’ve remembered what I enjoy. I feel like I can take a little bit more time to eat and to sit down every now and again. I still haven’t left Arthur for more than 1 and a half max but for me it’s still early days. He will always been my main priority forever now. He’ll always be my little boy. But I feel like I’m figuring who I am again.

I’ve found my own style. I’m getting back into exercise. Enjoying eating and cooking again. I have a horse and have done for 7 years, now I feel like I can give him some time again. Things are settling down. I’m a mum and always will be, but I’m also Kate, my own person.

It took me a long time to realise that you need to be well in yourself to look after your little one. It sounds so silly but when I first became ill I didn’t care about anything to do with myself. I’ll never forget, when I was having one of my many difficult times with feeding I was talking to someone about “fed is best”. I was trying to figure out how long I was going to be able to breastfeed for. I felt like it was slipping away from me and I just wanted what was best for Arthur. A health professional turned round a said to me – “Actually, a well Mum is best.” I’ll never forget it.

How can we look after someone else if we can’t even look after ourselves? Whatever your parenting choices are, you have to feel at ease with them in order to look after a mini human. You have to feel well in yourself. Part of that, I think, is doing things for yourself. Taking care of yourself. Mentally, physically, emotionally. I think to myself – I want to eat well and exercise because I want to be around for a long time for my son. I want to be a grandparent maybe. I want to see him graduate or travel or get married.

I think we all lose ourselves a little bit every now and again. But it feels really fun and exciting to find yourself again. I’m going to take up dancing again. Something I haven’t done in years. I haven’t gotten on my horse since finding out I was pregnant. I’m terrified. But I’m also excited. Everything feels like new again. I’m enjoying fashion and totally excited to match with Arth (yeah I’m that embarrassing parent). I’ve had my haircut and maybe, maybe not, I might put on some makeup again some day haha.

I’m totally winging everything- life, parenthood but it’s all part of the excitement!

Stay tuned peeps.

Love, Kate x