So yeah, then I pooed myself, twice.

So there I was. Yes, yes you did read the title correctly. This post is also very honest, but it’s about something different. So after having Arthur it seemed all my bodily functions were a bit all over the place.

I had to have a catheter when I was in hospital because I had a spinal injection (such a lovely thing). I was completely numb from the waist down so I wasn’t going to feel when I needed to wee. I’m not going to lie…That first night, not having to get up to pee, it was amazing haha. I was so exhausted and I could just lie there in bed, feed and cuddle Arth and that was it. I could reciprocate a little.

After having Arthur I felt like my dignity wasn’t really there any more. When you have a baby they really don’t tell you how many people will see your body parts! Not just your foo-foo (yeah that’s right I said foo-foo) but also your bum, your boobs, your jelly tummy, everything! When my catheter was taken out I thought how I really didn’t mind people seeing down there any more. I also thought i would be okay going for a wee. So I didn’t go for one for ages. I needed to go but I was feeding Arthur on and off and I thought – oh I’ll be fine to hold it for a while. Wow how wrong was I! Yep you guessed it, I peed myself too. And I’m not just talking about a little, I mean the whole sha-bang haha.

Peeing myself was a low point for me and I cried and cried. Your probably wondering why I am telling you all this? I guess I just want to get the message out there that it’s okay to cry if you pee yourself after having a baby! I’m not saying you definitely will but you might and if you want to cry about it you bloody well can! If you want to laugh you can do that too! It’s your body and in that moment, for me, I felt like I had no control over it any more. I was scared this would be a permanent problem. But thankfully it isn’t. But if it happens to you, it happens. I felt like I had absolutely no dignity left but the midwives were so lovely. They understand, they’ve seen it all before.

Then, I pooed myself. Yep. Twice. At this point I cried again a little and then I just laughed. Everybody does it once or twice in their lifetime right haha?! I realised then my body needed a bit of adjusting after having a baby. I also realised I needed to cut myself some slack. And when I felt like I needed the toilet I should go right away haha. I had a third degree tear, I needed to let my body recover, and in time, it did.

The thing is, childbirth is an incredible thing, but your body usually does need time to recover. Some people will not poo themselves a couple days after having their babe, some people will. Some will poo themselves in labour, some won’t. You might have to wear adult nappy pants, or be on bed rest. You might snap right back to your original weight. You might have a tummy like jelly. You might love your new boobs, you might not. Could have wonky boobs. The point is – it’s all okay. Be kind to yourself. Housing a human for 9 months is hard, then you have to get them out one way or another. But trust me, they are so worth it, poo an all.

Also if you want to stay in bed for a week that’s cool too. You want to get out there and see family and friends, do it. You have to figure what’s right for you. Everybody is different. But it’s okay to live in joggers for a while, to have family cook for you, and help you clean. It’s all okay.

So I thought I would do a slightly lighter story. But still a very true one. Stay tuned peeps.

Love, Kate x

So anxiety really does suck.

So here’s a different part to the story.

So I was in Nottingham MBU for 2 weeks. It was two very up and down weeks. But immediately when I was there I felt so much safer. I started to feel like I didn’t need to harm myself anymore. I started to feel hope. I started to feel like I wanted to live again. I still had a long way to go, but there was something there. Something was starting. However another part of my illness was anxiety.

As a parent you expect to feel some anxiety about this tiny little human you are suddenly sorely responsible for. I was very scared of many things. Feeding – was he getting enough breast milk? Was he putting on enough weight? Was he happy breastfeeding? Then there was (and still is) anxiety regarding Arthur’s health. What if he gets too hot or too cold whilst sleeping? How long should we swaddle him for, will it affect his hips? What if he’s sick whilst he’s laying down? What if he becomes unwell? My mind was like a whirlwind. The more anxiety I had, the downer I felt.

I felt like I couldn’t even go to the toilet without someone constantly watching Arthur. I couldn’t sleep. I would watch him breathe all night. Terrified of SIDs or also known as Cot death. (Still a very big fear) But it was a vicious cycle, I felt like I couldn’t put him down so I didn’t eat much, or drink. I couldn’t sleep so was exhausted and the anxiety and the low mood would just go round and round. Slowly I started to improve almost every day. With talking to professionals, the help of my partner, my family and my medication. And of course, being with Arthur.

The cuddles and the bond we continued to build on every single day would bring me so much love. He was worth fighting for. After two weeks I was moved to Winchester MBU for a further 7 weeks. Although such a short period of time in my life, it felt like forever. It felt so long and at times, very exhausting.

In our time at the beginning of Arthur’s life we battled many things. Mastitis, three times, once I was very unwell and had to have antibiotics. Rotavirus, me and Arth both had that one. Norovirus twice for Arth, once for me. We had trouble breastfeeding, he has gaining weight so well all the time, but we just couldn’t crack it. Arthur had bronchiolitis. He had to spend 3 nights on a paediatric ward, needing oxygen. I had problems with my medication. Difficulty with Arthur sleeping on his own at night. We conquered them all. Some things you would expect in those first couple of months, some you wouldn’t. But we made it.

The anxiety is still there. But I manage it much better now. My biggest tip? Stop, take a deep breath. Anxiety is a horrible thing. And so hard for other people to understand. I remember there was poster in my room on the MBU that said about safe sleeping. On their own, on their backs, in their cot. I used to read it over and over again every day. It was so hard for me because I couldn’t sleep when Arthur was in the same room as me but I also struggled to sleep when he wasn’t there. When he was there I would watch him, kept checking if he was breathing, if he felt too hot. If I drifted off I would wake with every movement he made, every little noise. I had to have medication to help me sleep. It wasn’t a sleeping tablet but it was an anti-anxiety medication. However it basically did just know me out, but I didn’t really realise this till later on. Gradually this improved and now I don’t take any medication to help with sleeping. I started to have Arthur in with me a couple of hours a night. Then a few days a week. Till gradually he was in with me all the time, he would only go out if I couldn’t settle him, which was only occasionally. Now most nights he sleeps really well and he’s always right there with us.

I remember telling my partner Jord about the poster. He grabbed the poster and threw it on top of the wardrobe. I will always remember that. It was brilliant. It really helped. I still thought about it but with it not being right in front of me all the time I could think about something else. I could put it out of my mind for a little while. Although Jord often didn’t understand my very irrational anxious rants he would try and help in any way that he could. He was and still is an incredible person.

Anxiety is a horrible feeling. It eats away at you. Although you know you are often blowing things out of portion and being irrational you can’t stop. In that moment you can’t be rational. You can’t see what everyone else can see. But know this, you can get out the other side. I did. I am living proof. I still have anxiety and with time comes all new anxieties but you can manage them. You can live with them. You don’t have to let them rule your life. Being a parent, you will have anxiety, it’s a given. It’s worrying if you don’t have a little bit of anxiety. Being a parent is scary! These mini humans always keep you on your toes. But don’t let anxiety stop you from being happy. Don’t let it stop you from making wonderful memories. That goes for whether you’re a parent or not. It goes for everyone.

There are so many things to help with anxiety. Mindfulness, distraction, facing your fears, breathing techniques. However if your reading this and you know someone who struggles with anxiety, know this; sometimes the best thing you can do for that person – Listen, give them your hand, and tell them you are there for them. Let them speak, let them cry. Just be there.

So that’s another part of our journey. Stay tuned for another round peeps.

Love, Kate x

So then my world came crashing down.

So this is a very honest post. It was hard for me to write and I’m sure some people might find it hard to read. But it’s the truth. I said I would be honest and I certainly have been.

So when I was pregnant I remember reading in a book about the first few months of parenthood how this lady thought about throwing her baby against a wall, but she didn’t. She spoke about how these kind of thoughts were normal as long as she never acted upon it. I remember the first time I had a thought about harming my own son. My whole world came crashing down. I felt so ashamed, disgusting, I felt evil. I kept telling myself it was normal, I kept going over what I read in my head. Kept thinking, it will go away, it will pass.

But with the dark thoughts about Arthur also came thoughts of killing myself. I wanted to die because I couldn’t face being alive and having these thoughts in my head. They just kept getting worse instead of better. But I loved my son, I loved him from the minute I saw him, so why was this happening? I would never hurt him. I wanted to protect him forever. I couldn’t understand what was going on in my own mind. I felt like I would never truly be happy again. I didn’t want to do anything, eat, drink, go anywhere. I wanted to go to sleep and never wake up.

I thought about how my son would be better off without me. How my partner Jordan would too. For me, they didn’t deserve for me to be alive and in their lives. I wanted them to be free. And I wanted to be free from those very dark thoughts.

I told my partner about these thoughts, he was so supportive from the very beginning. We decided they would hopefully go away, that I needed to rest as much as I could because I was so sleep deprived. He spoke to his Mum who said the same. I told him next time I saw my midwife I would tell her. About a week later, the day before I was due to see my midwife, I realised I couldn’t wait any longer. I was going to kill myself. I had many ways in which I was thinking of doing it, I just hadn’t decided which yet. I was broken. Exhausted mentally and physically, I needed help. I told Jord I wanted to kill myself and I was going to do it unless I got help immediately. He spoke to a midwife at our local hospital and she said I had go to A&E. For me, it was really difficult because I had to go to the hospital that I worked at as a nurse. I was petrified of seeing my colleagues. I was petrified at what they would think of me.

However, when I got there the midwife had already informed them of my situation, they were expecting me. From the moment I stepped in there, everybody was so supportive. So understanding. Not one person judged. So then came the moment I had to tell a member of the acute mental health team how I was feeling. With the words came so many tears. They promised to help, they assured me I would get better.

They decided that the best option for me was to be admitted onto a mother and baby unit. This was exactly what I wanted too. I couldn’t stand the thought of being away from Arthur. Then came the good news – there was a bed! It was really close and they were sure I was going to get it but they just had to check with them, they were going to call around 9. So we waited a very long wait. 9 came and went and I only became more and more anxious, convinced we were going to be told bad news. Unfortunately I was right. The bed was gone, it was given to someone who needed it more urgently. I was beside myself. I wanted help so badly. So then they searched. And searched and searched…

Finally they found a bed again. It was in Nottingham. I was from the south. Nottingham would take over 4 hours to get there from where we lived. I was given 2 more options, go home and wait and see if a bed became available closer to home. Or be admitted to an acute mental health ward on my own, 20 minutes away from where we lived. Arthur would be able to visit for 2 hours a day. I didn’t have to even think about it for a second. I wasn’t going to be without my son. I couldn’t. I knew I would get worse not better. But I knew I couldn’t go home either. I had to go to Nottingham. My heart was torn, I was finally going somewhere that was specialised to help me, but I would be very far away from my loved ones. Jord was devastated. He begged me to go home, said he could look after me, I would be okay. He said I wasn’t going to take him son away from him. But I couldn’t go home. I needed more help then he could give me. I needed professional help. We spoke about it and he realised it was for the best.

When Arthur came into the world I was so happy. Then I was cruelly robbed of my happiness. I was terrified of admitting I needed help but I am so glad I did. I didn’t know it yet, and there were days when I didn’t believe it but this was the start of me getting better. This was the start of my mental health journey. The hardest part was admitting I needed help. If you are struggling please, please speak to someone. Once you have got the words out for the first time, every single person you meet will want to help you.

So as for me, there I was, on the mother and baby unit. Stay tuned for the next chapter peeps.

Love, Kate x

So here’s my first post.

So as I sit here and type this I have no idea if anyone will read this. I don’t know much about creating a website or making a blog successful. I don’t pretend to be a good writer or super funny. But I will be honest. I will tell you the realities of motherhood, of mental health, of my life. The cliche line of “I want to help people” fits here. Whether I will or not is a different story. But I can try. So I’m still figuring this out so bare with me. My spelling and punctuation has never been great, I was classed as “borderline dyslexic” whatever that means haha. So if anyone does ever read this, please be kind. And remember I am sleep deprived Mama of a 4 month old so don’t be expecting anything to make much sense…

So I guess I should start at the beginning. The very beginning was finding out I was pregnant after not being very responsible. The classic thinking “it won’t happen to us”. (Told you I would be honest) However we now have a beautiful baby boy, so I would not go back and change a thing. I’ve always wanted children, I thought about travelling, getting a car, what career I would like, where I wanted to live, all of it was ifs and buts and changing my mind. But one thing never changed, I wanted to be a mother. It’s not for everyone and I’m not saying if your a woman that it’s a given right of passage that you want a family but for me I’ve always knew. I’ve come from a big family and family means so much to me. So when I find out I was pregnant at 23 there was a huge mix of emotions and feelings. But one was more overwhelming that the others – happy.

My pregnancy was filled with anxiety. I managed it myself and I guess I didn’t really realise this was the start of something. I would take pregnancy tests all the time, convinced something bad was going to happen, I found it hard to relax, particularly in those first 12 weeks. Although I knew taking a pregnancy test did not mean I was still pregnant with a healthy baby, I would find some comfort in seeing a positive test. I was very anxious about what I ate, eating out was very scary for me at the beginning. However as my body changed and I could see there really was a little human in there I did relax a little. The anxiety was still there but it did get better for a while. Then came the little baby movements and with that came more anxiety. I have a very active job as a nurse and it was really hard for me to keep track of our little one moving around when I was on my feet all day. Pregnancy for me was an experience. I did struggle with anxiety, but physically I was really quite well.

I sometimes stop and remember my body did an amazing thing. I grew a human for 9 months! Throughout all the anxiety, worry and the hormones I still look back over pregnancy and smile. It was up and down but it brought me the greatest gift I have ever received; our gorgeous little boy Arthur Thomas. The love I have for our tiny human is indescribable. At the happiest time of our lives also came the very saddest. I unfortunately developed post-natal depression and anxiety shortly after having our baby boy. Oh how our world changed in so many different ways. But that’s a different part of our story.

Pregnancy is an incredibly hard, amazing thing. And I am so grateful I was able to do it. If you reading this and your growing a mini human, here’s some things I want to say to you…

Try to enjoy it as much as you can
You can read as many baby books as humanly possible but no baby is textbook
Enjoy eating and watching your body change, it’s doing something incredible!
Be kind to yourself
Take time for yourself, do what you want to do before babe comes
Try to remember – you are an individual, every pregnancy is different, don’t be worried if you don’t look like your pregnant friend does, you are YOU. And don’t worry about what other people say about your body.
Take what everyone else says with a pinch of salt. Everybody will give you advice, their birth stories, jokes and “you don’t know what’s going to hit you!” This your journey, no two people do things the same, advice is just that, advice. You don’t have to do it (including my advice haha) you can simply smile and say “thank you”or you can do whatever the hell you what haha.

I was I could of told myself these things. So there I was. At the beginning of our journey. Stay tuned peeps.

Love, Kate x