So I feel like I am finding myself again.

So here I am. I feel like I lost myself a little when I became a Mum. Part of that was PND and I think part of it is just becoming a parent. You forget who you are a little. Your life is all about this tiny little human. I lived in leggings and joggers. Found it hard to shower and eat. I was with my little dude, either feeding him or trying to sleep all the time.

Now we seem to be into everything a bit more. I’ve remembered what I enjoy. I feel like I can take a little bit more time to eat and to sit down every now and again. I still haven’t left Arthur for more than 1 and a half max but for me it’s still early days. He will always been my main priority forever now. He’ll always be my little boy. But I feel like I’m figuring who I am again.

I’ve found my own style. I’m getting back into exercise. Enjoying eating and cooking again. I have a horse and have done for 7 years, now I feel like I can give him some time again. Things are settling down. I’m a mum and always will be, but I’m also Kate, my own person.

It took me a long time to realise that you need to be well in yourself to look after your little one. It sounds so silly but when I first became ill I didn’t care about anything to do with myself. I’ll never forget, when I was having one of my many difficult times with feeding I was talking to someone about “fed is best”. I was trying to figure out how long I was going to be able to breastfeed for. I felt like it was slipping away from me and I just wanted what was best for Arthur. A health professional turned round a said to me – “Actually, a well Mum is best.” I’ll never forget it.

How can we look after someone else if we can’t even look after ourselves? Whatever your parenting choices are, you have to feel at ease with them in order to look after a mini human. You have to feel well in yourself. Part of that, I think, is doing things for yourself. Taking care of yourself. Mentally, physically, emotionally. I think to myself – I want to eat well and exercise because I want to be around for a long time for my son. I want to be a grandparent maybe. I want to see him graduate or travel or get married.

I think we all lose ourselves a little bit every now and again. But it feels really fun and exciting to find yourself again. I’m going to take up dancing again. Something I haven’t done in years. I haven’t gotten on my horse since finding out I was pregnant. I’m terrified. But I’m also excited. Everything feels like new again. I’m enjoying fashion and totally excited to match with Arth (yeah I’m that embarrassing parent). I’ve had my haircut and maybe, maybe not, I might put on some makeup again some day haha.

I’m totally winging everything- life, parenthood but it’s all part of the excitement!

Stay tuned peeps.

Love, Kate x

So what helps?

So here we are. I though I’d make a list about some positive things in my life that really helped me through my PND and anxiety.

I don’t think the same things always work for the same people but if I can help anyone or just give somebody something to think about, I think that is positive.

1. Eat and drink well. – so I know how easy it is when your down to not eat, to eat badly or to binge. Trust me I’ve done all three. When I was very unwell I did not want to eat or drink anything. I couldn’t face it. I had no desire to eat, no feelings of hunger. But as I started to get better I did eat. I noticed that it helped. It gave me a little bit of energy. I started to enjoy food again. I started to drink more water. I only drink one or max, two cups of tea a day. I don’t drink alcohol. This isn’t for everyone. I’ve just found when I do eat and drink well I feel better in myself. It helps my body and my mind. But believe me when I say this; I totally believe in treating yourself too! Chocolate comes from a plant so…it’s basically like eating your greens.

2. Go outside. – I didn’t want to go outside when I was very ill but every time I did I would feel better. The fresh air. The bright sky. It helps. It’s refreshing. Even if you just go to the shops for 10 minutes.

3. Exercise. – Go for a walk. Go swimming. Go dancing! Have fun. Exercise realises endorphins and helps lift your mood. Find something you like. That sport you did as a kid? Get back into it! I’m going to start dancing again, I used to when I was younger and just the thought of this gets me excited. I can’t wait.

5. Spend time with your loved ones. – If you can’t face going out to them or even them coming to you then just call them. Or text. Send pictures. Anything. Communicate. I didn’t want to speak to any of my friends or most of my family when I first became unwell. But as soon as I did I would feel a bit better. Even if it was just for a short while. Your loved ones will still make you laugh and think about every day things. They’ll take your mind off those dark thoughts and feelings of hopelessness. But they will also be there if you want to talk, if you want share how your feeling. That’s why they are amazing. That’s why you shouldn’t shut yourself off from them.

6. Go to Mother and baby groups. – (if your a new Mum) – It’s great way to get outside. To watch your little one play and interact with others. You will feel so much pride. I was terrified of this but now I really enjoy it.

7. Do something for you. – Even if it’s just watching your favourite film. Making yourself a hot chocolate with all the trimmings. Buying yourself something. Having a hot bath. Anything. Just do something for yourself. You need to take care of yourself.

8. Go to your favourite place. – Whether it’s the beach, the countryside, surrounded by animals, the city at night, your childhood home, wherever. Go there and stop and just take it in. Whenever I go to the beach I feel so calm. So peaceful. It helps everything else go away.

9. Mindfulness. – Take a little bit of time to stop and think. Bring yourself back to the moment. Try not to worry about the future. Be in the now. Take things slow and one step at a time.

10. And finally something so simple it’s silly, but it’s helped me so much; taking a deep breath. – Stopping, maybe stepping away from a difficult thought or situation and just focus on your breathing. Take deep breaths. Just breathe. I can’t tell you how many times this has helped me.

I could probably go on forever. Some more that I won’t go into too much;

Walking away

Distracting yourself

Resting

Doing what scares you

Different breathing techniques

Relaxation

Art

Listening to music

So much more! There is so much you can do for yourself. Try something, try anything. Talk to someone.

I hope this helps even if it’s just one person in the world.

Look after yourself, stay tuned peeps.

Love, Kate x

EDIT- I totally forgot something that is very important to me at the moment…

Medication. – I am currently on antidepressants and I am not ashamed to admit this. If you need medication to help you get through a tough time in your life that is okay. It doesn’t have to be forever.

So when I think about leaving Arthur…

So here we are. As time is pressing on I’m starting to think about going back to work and my heart is torn. Arthur is my best friend. We do everything together, go everywhere together. I can’t imagine being without him.

I’m so scared of missing anything. I’m scared we’ll lose our bond. What if he grows up to resent me because I’m not always there? It sounds ridiculous I know. But my anxiety is strong when I think about leaving him.

I don’t want to miss out on anything. But I also want to have a career. I love being a nurse and I want to move forward in that. The Mum guilt is so strong and when I think about being away from Arthur I become emotional just thinking about it.

It seems crazy doesn’t it because I know it will be good for the both of us. I know I need to be able to be away from him. I know I have to trust him with other people. But for me anxiety is like this big, foggy cloud. I can’t see it think straight, it gets in my way.

The big is when you become a parent I think you kind of forget who you were before. I genuinely don’t remember what I did in my day before Arthur?! When you have a tiny human they are everything and they always come first. You forget about yourself.

So I guess I need to figure who am I again? I’m slowly getting back into doing the things I love and it feels really good. I know now we need to look after ourselves to be able to look after our minis too. It took me a while to figure that out. Taking a little time for yourself is good. It’s needed.

Now I slowly have to think about work and the future. But I am going to continue to enjoy every single second of my time with my little man. Because time just goes so quick.

Stay tuned peeps.

Love, Kate x

So I am the heaviest I have ever been.

So there i was. So I got on the scales last night (silly mistake) and realised my weight is continuing to go up. Years ago this would have really got to me. It would have affected me more than I would like to admit. As a young girl I had some issues with food and my appearance. But I was so young I didn’t really know what was going on in my own head. It took me years to get past it and even now I still think about food and what I’m eating quite a bit. More than I want to think about it.

However there is a big difference from then and now. Before it dominated me, it was too big a part of my life when I was very young and took away some of my childhood at times. But now when a thought pops into my head I can challenge it back and I think – it doesn’t really matter. It means so much less than it did before. And last night when I walked away from the scales I thought – so what? Least I’m happy!

I did grow a mini human for 9 months. Birth him and now feed him with my body. It’s only be 4 and a half months. It’s okay. I know that now. If your reading this I hope you know that too. Our bodies may never be the same, they might go back to how they were in a flash, or you might change your body to be even stronger than before! But whatever happens, it’s okay.

For me I am going to get back into eating more healthily, I am going to go back to horse riding. But my son will always come first. I’m still learning how to do things one handed and sometimes it’s easier to have a takeaway. I walk every single day but sometimes I’m knackered and haven’t had much sleep so I’ll only walk for 15 minutes. Some of my clothes don’t fit me anymore but I’ve gotten a few new ones and I feel like I’m really finding my sense of style now. It’s okay. It’s all okay.

I think we need to be kinder to ourselves. Everybody does these things at their own pace. Whatever, however, if, you choose to get back into shape as long as it’s safe for you and your baby then do it how you want too. I do believe in being healthy, exercise and treating our bodies well to be strong but I also think we should definitely cut ourselves and each other a bit of slack. Growing a baby and being a parent is incredibly hard. Find your feet and give yourself time.

This is the advice I keep telling myself.

Stay tuned peeps.

Love, Kate x

So my first Mother’s Day is approaching.

So here we are. So as my first Mother’s Day approaches I feel so excited and happy. It might be in different way to others though. You see there were times I wondered if I would actually see this day. Now I’m here, so happy to be here, so happy I made it.

When those feelings came of wanting to take my own life I would think of Arthur. I would cry and cry because I thought about everything I was going to miss. How could I leave him? I thought it was the best thing for him. I thought he deserved more than me. But I was devastated, I couldn’t bare to be without him. At the time in very dark moments I was angry at myself for not taking my own life. I thought of myself as a coward, as selfish. It would be better if I wasn’t here but I couldn’t do it because I couldn’t leave Arthur.

Now I look back and see how wrong I was. Mental illness is an illness. You are unwell, just like when you are physically unwell. I wasn’t a coward, I was fighting, fighting to live. Now every single day I am so glad to be here. To hold my beautiful son, to see him smile, to kiss him. Even on the down days I am still happy to be alive. To be here for my son, for my gorgeous partner Jordan, for my wonderful family and beautiful friends. It is so good to be here. They make me want to live. To see the future.

It took me a while to feel like a mother. It took me a while to feel like myself. I was lost. Now, I am first and foremost a mother. Arthur is and always will be my greatest achievement in life. As I look to the future and what I would like to achieve, I do have more dreams but I am so happy my biggest dream has already come true. Being a mother, having a family, a family I hope to one day expand.

So here’s to my first of many, many Mother’s days. A beautiful day to celebrate Mothers. Mothers to be, Mothers who have babies in the sky, Mothers who aren’t always with their babies, Mothers who are fighting to be here. All of them. As a mother every day feels filled with love. Every day I am appreciated and I am so thankful for that. Tomorrow I’m just hoping for a lie in or a nap or two ;).

Whatever your doing, where ever you are I hope you have a wonderful day. I hope although not every day may be wonderful, I hope you find something wonderful in every day. Here’s to every single day of being a mother – every day a day of incredible love.

Stay tuned peeps.

Love, Kate x