So here he is.

So there we were. What I went through was hard for my partner Jordan too. It really tested our relationship. Becoming parents for the first time is hard enough, going through a mental health illness at the same time, everything becomes even harder.

Jord explained how he felt sad to see me go through PND. But mainly he was angry. He was angry because he didn’t get to have the same experience that most first time Dads do. He had to visit me and Arthur, he spent a lot of time and money on travelling to see us when we should of been at home with him. We should of been doing all the firsts together. Seeing all of the firsts together. Instead he was going home alone every night.

I knew he was angry and part of me wanted him to scream and shout at me (he never did). I guess I wanted him to get it out, to let go of the anger. But looking back I don’t think it would of done us much good. Jord never fully understood but he was always there. He tried to understand but I don’t think anyone ever really can unless they’ve been through it themselves. We cried together, we laughed and had genuine happy moments. We also had moments that will always be in my mind, so sad and final, me talking about not wanting to live and almost saying goodbye. But Jord always fought for me. He would tell me he wasn’t going to let me go, and he never did.

Despite being angry, hurt and sad because the situation he knew it wasn’t my fault. He said he never felt completely comfortable coming to see us. He wanted us at home so we could feel at home, so we could be together. I will always feel guilty for putting Jord through PND, for taking Arthur away from him. Although I know it wasn’t my fault too, the guilt is always there. I don’t think it will ever go away. Neither will the terrified feeling that this may happen to me again when we have another child. But I’ve learnt to take each day as it comes. I’m trying not to look back, not to look much ahead but to just be where I am right now.

Jord has explained to me it was really hard for him but deep down he knew I was in the right place. He knew I had to be there, he knew I needed help. Through it all, we made it. I believe it as made us stronger than ever. Despite that I still wish every single day I never went through what I did, and I never put my family, Jord and my friends through what I did. But it happened. We can’t change the past. Now we’re a happy family of three, our biggest battle is who’s going to change the explosive nappy. Most of the time anyway. If your going through something remember, it’s not your fault. Those who love you, partners, friends and family, there will be there for you.

Stay tuned peeps.

Love, Kate x

So it’s the little things.

So here we are. Being a mother is the hardest thing I have ever done. I have found a whole new level of respect for my mum who had 7 (yes, 7) kids. She not only had 7, but she also totally bossed it on her own. She’s a superwoman and my biggest inspiration.

It may be the hardest thing but it’s also the greatest. I decided to make a list of some of the little things I love about being a Mum…

⁃ The firsts…first smile, first time Arthur grabbed a toy

⁃ The poo face gets me every time

⁃ The smile he gives me when he first wakes up in the morning

⁃ When he’s sucking his dummy and he just stares at me

⁃ How he loves singing

⁃ His smile in general

⁃ The noises he makes when he eats

⁃ How he loves bath time

⁃ Taking pictures together

⁃ Cuddles

⁃ When he’s feeding and he keeps holding on to me

⁃ Seeing him smile at his family

⁃ When he goes all shy, smiles then puts his head down

⁃ Reading stories together

⁃ How he loves mouths (not just his own, everyone’s, he’s fascinated!)

⁃ How clapping makes him blink

⁃ Dancing together

⁃ How he’s like a little hot water bottle

⁃ That crossed eyed surprise look

⁃ All the noises

⁃ Travelling, going places together, anywhere!

⁃ All the tickling!

⁃ When he farts really loudly (mature I know hehe)

⁃ On the subject of farting, when he lifts his legs really high and farts hehe

⁃ His chubby cheeks

⁃ Those tiny fingers and toes ❤️

I could go on forever. Joy will come to different people in different ways, whether your a parent or not. For me, Arthur, you are my joy. You have brought me so much love, laughter and I could not be more proud of you. Thank you for teaching me to enjoy the little things. You are my greatest achievement, now and forever.

Stay tuned for another one peeps.

Love, Kate x

So always trust your instincts.

So there we were. Arthur went through a lot at the beginning of his life. He had rotavirus, norovirus twice and bronchiolitis leading to a hospital admission. Every time he got ill my anxiety would go through the roof and I would often feel very low in mood. I feel like we battled a lot and if we hadn’t of faced everything that we did we might have got home sooner and I might have been in recovery sooner. But what matters is that we’re here now. But for now let me tell you why I think we should always trust our instincts…

I remember when Arthur first got rotavirus. He was pooing every hour. I knew straight away something wasn’t right. He pooed about 3-4 times in the day and maybe once or twice in the evening but the first day he just could not stop. I remember telling them on the unit and they suggested they would have a look next time he went. So they looked and said it looked really normal for a breastfeed baby. They said how often babies could poo once a week one week and then several times a day the next week. Something still didn’t feel right but we carried on. He seemed well in himself and was still feeding, nothing else was out of the ordinary. The next day, the pooping seemed to of died down a little, however a member of staff asked if they could take a poo sample next time which of course I agreed too. They said they just wanted to check. Then somebody else said they didn’t need too. So they didn’t.

A couple of days passed and he was still pooing more than usual and I flagged it up again, my gut instinct was telling me something wasn’t quite right and I became very worried that he would become dehydrated and start loosing weight. Eventually they approached me and took a poo sample which I happily gave, the next day it came back as positive for rotavirus and Arthur had to be put in isolation. When you suffer from anxiety I think at times it can be hard to see what is a real worry and what is not. I know sometimes it can manifest itself convincing you there is something wrong when there isn’t. But I think we should always trust our instincts. Whether your a parent or not.

Unfortunately Arthur became quite unwell with rotavirus and began vomiting and not wanting to feed much. I remember I started to cry late one night and couldn’t sleep because he kept vomiting. I was convinced he was going to choke whilst he was sleeping. I felt like I had to watch him all night which I know was not rational but at that time I couldn’t think rationally. Immediately I thought of the worst case scenario and was convinced I was going to lose him. It was a horrible time and I had to do a lot of talking through it. That’s what anxiety does, it creates a tornado inside your head, it’s exhausting.

Thankfully we got through it. Our next big battle was bronchiolitis. Watching you baby struggle to breathe is the hardest, most horrible thing. Breathing is something we all do, for most of us it’s not hard, it’s easy. When your tiny baby is using all their strength and muscles just to breathe, words can’t describe it. Arthur started with a cold and the cough gradually got worse. Then he started to struggle to breathe, he was really working hard with every breath. I told them I was concerned and we went to A&E. His respiratory rate and his pulse was up and you could see how hard he was working to breathe. They diagnosed him with Bronchiolitis but said because his oxygen levels were okay and he was still feeding we could go back to the unit but we could return if we were concerned again.

I will never forget what happened next. When we got back to the unit he was exhausted, we put him to sleep and me and Jord both closed our eyes too. Arthur was making a lot of noise when he was breathing but suddenly it went quiet. Me and Jord both realised at the same time, we looked at each other and both jumped up, we rushed over to him, Jord put his hand on Arthur and he gasped and starting breathing again. That moment will always haunt me. Words cannot describe how scared we both were. I barely slept that night, constantly watching him, terrified it would happen again, thankfully it didn’t.

Arthur did however continue to get worse. He didn’t want to feed, he was fighting really hard and I knew people thought it was my anxiety that was making the situation seem worse that what it was. However I decided we needed to back to hospital, this was the third time. When we got there, Arthur’s respiratory rate was high, his pulse was 190-200, and his oxygen level was 84%. They gave him oxygen and it gradually went up to around 92%. We would have to stay in hospital. I was relieved that they were finally doing something because all that time I felt hopeless just watching him struggle, but I was also heartbroken that he was in this situation in the first place.

All the things he has faced he has fought so hard. But I remember feeling so angry. I felt like I was being punished for something. My little boy, who had barely been in the world had already faced so much that he shouldn’t have and I didn’t I understand why?! It didn’t seem fair. I blamed myself. Part of me still does. But I know now that young babies do get ill. Their little immune systems are still growing. I remember looking at him in his massive cot in the hospital just wishing that he didn’t have to go through anything else. I would have done anything to take his place. For the first two days I didn’t even hold him, he had no physical strength left and he would just lie in his cot, tilted upright to feed and then he would just fall straight back to sleep. It was heartbreaking. But once again I was in awe of how strong he was. How brave he was.

When he was discharged from hospital we were so happy. He was so much better. However as the evening went on I became more and more anxious. I realised we went in the hospital with all the nurses and doctors. There wasn’t the equipment we needed there if something went wrong. It came to the night time and I couldn’t put him down. Convinced he was going to stop breathing if I did, I explained I was never putting him down. Something that was impossible but I just couldn’t face it. I was crying and so scared that I couldn’t think rationally. My anxiety was rearing it’s ugly head once again. It was consuming me. With the help of the staff and Jord I managed to calm down. It took time but eventually I put Arthur down. Day by day he improved and got through it.

My anxiety heightened moments of these bad situations. But I knew something wasn’t right with our boy. I knew he was going to need a little bit of help to get through this and I am so glad I trusted my instincts with the bronchiolitis and kept going back to hospital. I am a nurse but I’m an adult nurse. I don’t know babies, but I know my son. Trust that you know your babies and children. If your pregnant and worried about telling your midwife something, trust you know your body, and you know your unborn child.

Even if your not a parent or a parent to be, trust yourself, trust your instincts, go with your gut.

Stay tuned for next time peeps.

Love, Kate x

So anxiety really does suck.

So here’s a different part to the story.

So I was in Nottingham MBU for 2 weeks. It was two very up and down weeks. But immediately when I was there I felt so much safer. I started to feel like I didn’t need to harm myself anymore. I started to feel hope. I started to feel like I wanted to live again. I still had a long way to go, but there was something there. Something was starting. However another part of my illness was anxiety.

As a parent you expect to feel some anxiety about this tiny little human you are suddenly sorely responsible for. I was very scared of many things. Feeding – was he getting enough breast milk? Was he putting on enough weight? Was he happy breastfeeding? Then there was (and still is) anxiety regarding Arthur’s health. What if he gets too hot or too cold whilst sleeping? How long should we swaddle him for, will it affect his hips? What if he’s sick whilst he’s laying down? What if he becomes unwell? My mind was like a whirlwind. The more anxiety I had, the downer I felt.

I felt like I couldn’t even go to the toilet without someone constantly watching Arthur. I couldn’t sleep. I would watch him breathe all night. Terrified of SIDs or also known as Cot death. (Still a very big fear) But it was a vicious cycle, I felt like I couldn’t put him down so I didn’t eat much, or drink. I couldn’t sleep so was exhausted and the anxiety and the low mood would just go round and round. Slowly I started to improve almost every day. With talking to professionals, the help of my partner, my family and my medication. And of course, being with Arthur.

The cuddles and the bond we continued to build on every single day would bring me so much love. He was worth fighting for. After two weeks I was moved to Winchester MBU for a further 7 weeks. Although such a short period of time in my life, it felt like forever. It felt so long and at times, very exhausting.

In our time at the beginning of Arthur’s life we battled many things. Mastitis, three times, once I was very unwell and had to have antibiotics. Rotavirus, me and Arth both had that one. Norovirus twice for Arth, once for me. We had trouble breastfeeding, he has gaining weight so well all the time, but we just couldn’t crack it. Arthur had bronchiolitis. He had to spend 3 nights on a paediatric ward, needing oxygen. I had problems with my medication. Difficulty with Arthur sleeping on his own at night. We conquered them all. Some things you would expect in those first couple of months, some you wouldn’t. But we made it.

The anxiety is still there. But I manage it much better now. My biggest tip? Stop, take a deep breath. Anxiety is a horrible thing. And so hard for other people to understand. I remember there was poster in my room on the MBU that said about safe sleeping. On their own, on their backs, in their cot. I used to read it over and over again every day. It was so hard for me because I couldn’t sleep when Arthur was in the same room as me but I also struggled to sleep when he wasn’t there. When he was there I would watch him, kept checking if he was breathing, if he felt too hot. If I drifted off I would wake with every movement he made, every little noise. I had to have medication to help me sleep. It wasn’t a sleeping tablet but it was an anti-anxiety medication. However it basically did just know me out, but I didn’t really realise this till later on. Gradually this improved and now I don’t take any medication to help with sleeping. I started to have Arthur in with me a couple of hours a night. Then a few days a week. Till gradually he was in with me all the time, he would only go out if I couldn’t settle him, which was only occasionally. Now most nights he sleeps really well and he’s always right there with us.

I remember telling my partner Jord about the poster. He grabbed the poster and threw it on top of the wardrobe. I will always remember that. It was brilliant. It really helped. I still thought about it but with it not being right in front of me all the time I could think about something else. I could put it out of my mind for a little while. Although Jord often didn’t understand my very irrational anxious rants he would try and help in any way that he could. He was and still is an incredible person.

Anxiety is a horrible feeling. It eats away at you. Although you know you are often blowing things out of portion and being irrational you can’t stop. In that moment you can’t be rational. You can’t see what everyone else can see. But know this, you can get out the other side. I did. I am living proof. I still have anxiety and with time comes all new anxieties but you can manage them. You can live with them. You don’t have to let them rule your life. Being a parent, you will have anxiety, it’s a given. It’s worrying if you don’t have a little bit of anxiety. Being a parent is scary! These mini humans always keep you on your toes. But don’t let anxiety stop you from being happy. Don’t let it stop you from making wonderful memories. That goes for whether you’re a parent or not. It goes for everyone.

There are so many things to help with anxiety. Mindfulness, distraction, facing your fears, breathing techniques. However if your reading this and you know someone who struggles with anxiety, know this; sometimes the best thing you can do for that person – Listen, give them your hand, and tell them you are there for them. Let them speak, let them cry. Just be there.

So that’s another part of our journey. Stay tuned for another round peeps.

Love, Kate x