Category: Support

So here he is.

So there we were. What I went through was hard for my partner Jordan too. It really tested our relationship. Becoming parents for the first time is hard enough, going through a mental health illness at the same time, everything becomes even harder.

Jord explained how he felt sad to see me go through PND. But mainly he was angry. He was angry because he didn’t get to have the same experience that most first time Dads do. He had to visit me and Arthur, he spent a lot of time and money on travelling to see us when we should of been at home with him. We should of been doing all the firsts together. Seeing all of the firsts together. Instead he was going home alone every night.

I knew he was angry and part of me wanted him to scream and shout at me (he never did). I guess I wanted him to get it out, to let go of the anger. But looking back I don’t think it would of done us much good. Jord never fully understood but he was always there. He tried to understand but I don’t think anyone ever really can unless they’ve been through it themselves. We cried together, we laughed and had genuine happy moments. We also had moments that will always be in my mind, so sad and final, me talking about not wanting to live and almost saying goodbye. But Jord always fought for me. He would tell me he wasn’t going to let me go, and he never did.

Despite being angry, hurt and sad because the situation he knew it wasn’t my fault. He said he never felt completely comfortable coming to see us. He wanted us at home so we could feel at home, so we could be together. I will always feel guilty for putting Jord through PND, for taking Arthur away from him. Although I know it wasn’t my fault too, the guilt is always there. I don’t think it will ever go away. Neither will the terrified feeling that this may happen to me again when we have another child. But I’ve learnt to take each day as it comes. I’m trying not to look back, not to look much ahead but to just be where I am right now.

Jord has explained to me it was really hard for him but deep down he knew I was in the right place. He knew I had to be there, he knew I needed help. Through it all, we made it. I believe it as made us stronger than ever. Despite that I still wish every single day I never went through what I did, and I never put my family, Jord and my friends through what I did. But it happened. We can’t change the past. Now we’re a happy family of three, our biggest battle is who’s going to change the explosive nappy. Most of the time anyway. If your going through something remember, it’s not your fault. Those who love you, partners, friends and family, there will be there for you.

Stay tuned peeps.

Love, Kate x

So I guess the world is a bit backwards.

So here I am. After I began telling my story I started to receive so many messages from other people telling me about their journey. I feel like in some ways I was very lucky with my story. I got the help I needed quickly, I still receive support now and almost every single person I met has wanted to help me and been kind to me. However I know that this is not everybody’s experience. People have spoken to me and explained how they were too afraid to speak out, how they were worried that nobody would understand, that there was no point in receiving help because it wouldn’t make any difference. This makes me feel so sad. This is 2018. Why are we still living in a world where people are too afraid to explain how they feel? Too afraid to ask for help because they don’t think they will receive it.

It does not make sense that this is still happening. It doesn’t make sense that you can only be in crisis Monday to Friday 9-5. What about at 3 in the morning on a Sunday when you can’t sleep, your crying because your thinking about taking a knife from the kitchen and hurting yourself? It doesn’t make sense. I have heard many people have bad experiences. People who have had a 3 minute phone call when they have reached out because they are attempting to take their life. People who have been told by their GP that they have received all the help they can have and there is nothing more that can be done for them. Right because when you have mental health illness it’s usually for a really short time, your fixed in no time and you never need anymore support…erm…yeah, no it’s not like that at all.

I’m writing this post to say no matter how many times you feel like nobody wants to help you, or they will judge you or you don’t deserve help, YOU DO. There will always be professionals who will go above and beyond to help you. I know this because I’ve seen it, I have experienced it. I know it is easy for me to say because I had a positive experience but please don’t give up on yourself. When I first become unwell when I walked into A&E and the receptionist asked me what’s the problem today, I looked at her and said – I want to kill myself. I then went into A&E and assured them I could not go home, if I did I would kill myself. They didn’t let me go. I was there for 24 hours, you are only suppose to be in A&E for 4 hours, unless of course somebody is to unwell to be transferred. The point is, I was terrified but I was adamant that I needed help. That help saved my life. Please know their will be somebody out there who will help save your life. Whether it’s a whole team or one individual, reach out. Call your GP, call the out of hours GP. Speak to charities like Mind or Samaritans. Speak to your health visitor, your midwife, the community mental health team and if you are in immediate danger, go to A&E. It is an emergency and you are NOT wasting anybody’s time.

Remember if you feel unsafe, tell someone, anyone. You will get help. Go somewhere where you won’t be alone, be with family or friends.

Times are changing, but we still have a long way too go. I know if I help one person in the world I will have achieved something good. Stay tuned peeps.

Love, Kate x