So I am the heaviest I have ever been.

So there i was. So I got on the scales last night (silly mistake) and realised my weight is continuing to go up. Years ago this would have really got to me. It would have affected me more than I would like to admit. As a young girl I had some issues with food and my appearance. But I was so young I didn’t really know what was going on in my own head. It took me years to get past it and even now I still think about food and what I’m eating quite a bit. More than I want to think about it.

However there is a big difference from then and now. Before it dominated me, it was too big a part of my life when I was very young and took away some of my childhood at times. But now when a thought pops into my head I can challenge it back and I think – it doesn’t really matter. It means so much less than it did before. And last night when I walked away from the scales I thought – so what? Least I’m happy!

I did grow a mini human for 9 months. Birth him and now feed him with my body. It’s only be 4 and a half months. It’s okay. I know that now. If your reading this I hope you know that too. Our bodies may never be the same, they might go back to how they were in a flash, or you might change your body to be even stronger than before! But whatever happens, it’s okay.

For me I am going to get back into eating more healthily, I am going to go back to horse riding. But my son will always come first. I’m still learning how to do things one handed and sometimes it’s easier to have a takeaway. I walk every single day but sometimes I’m knackered and haven’t had much sleep so I’ll only walk for 15 minutes. Some of my clothes don’t fit me anymore but I’ve gotten a few new ones and I feel like I’m really finding my sense of style now. It’s okay. It’s all okay.

I think we need to be kinder to ourselves. Everybody does these things at their own pace. Whatever, however, if, you choose to get back into shape as long as it’s safe for you and your baby then do it how you want too. I do believe in being healthy, exercise and treating our bodies well to be strong but I also think we should definitely cut ourselves and each other a bit of slack. Growing a baby and being a parent is incredibly hard. Find your feet and give yourself time.

This is the advice I keep telling myself.

Stay tuned peeps.

Love, Kate x

So my first Mother’s Day is approaching.

So here we are. So as my first Mother’s Day approaches I feel so excited and happy. It might be in different way to others though. You see there were times I wondered if I would actually see this day. Now I’m here, so happy to be here, so happy I made it.

When those feelings came of wanting to take my own life I would think of Arthur. I would cry and cry because I thought about everything I was going to miss. How could I leave him? I thought it was the best thing for him. I thought he deserved more than me. But I was devastated, I couldn’t bare to be without him. At the time in very dark moments I was angry at myself for not taking my own life. I thought of myself as a coward, as selfish. It would be better if I wasn’t here but I couldn’t do it because I couldn’t leave Arthur.

Now I look back and see how wrong I was. Mental illness is an illness. You are unwell, just like when you are physically unwell. I wasn’t a coward, I was fighting, fighting to live. Now every single day I am so glad to be here. To hold my beautiful son, to see him smile, to kiss him. Even on the down days I am still happy to be alive. To be here for my son, for my gorgeous partner Jordan, for my wonderful family and beautiful friends. It is so good to be here. They make me want to live. To see the future.

It took me a while to feel like a mother. It took me a while to feel like myself. I was lost. Now, I am first and foremost a mother. Arthur is and always will be my greatest achievement in life. As I look to the future and what I would like to achieve, I do have more dreams but I am so happy my biggest dream has already come true. Being a mother, having a family, a family I hope to one day expand.

So here’s to my first of many, many Mother’s days. A beautiful day to celebrate Mothers. Mothers to be, Mothers who have babies in the sky, Mothers who aren’t always with their babies, Mothers who are fighting to be here. All of them. As a mother every day feels filled with love. Every day I am appreciated and I am so thankful for that. Tomorrow I’m just hoping for a lie in or a nap or two ;).

Whatever your doing, where ever you are I hope you have a wonderful day. I hope although not every day may be wonderful, I hope you find something wonderful in every day. Here’s to every single day of being a mother – every day a day of incredible love.

Stay tuned peeps.

Love, Kate x

So here he is.

So there we were. What I went through was hard for my partner Jordan too. It really tested our relationship. Becoming parents for the first time is hard enough, going through a mental health illness at the same time, everything becomes even harder.

Jord explained how he felt sad to see me go through PND. But mainly he was angry. He was angry because he didn’t get to have the same experience that most first time Dads do. He had to visit me and Arthur, he spent a lot of time and money on travelling to see us when we should of been at home with him. We should of been doing all the firsts together. Seeing all of the firsts together. Instead he was going home alone every night.

I knew he was angry and part of me wanted him to scream and shout at me (he never did). I guess I wanted him to get it out, to let go of the anger. But looking back I don’t think it would of done us much good. Jord never fully understood but he was always there. He tried to understand but I don’t think anyone ever really can unless they’ve been through it themselves. We cried together, we laughed and had genuine happy moments. We also had moments that will always be in my mind, so sad and final, me talking about not wanting to live and almost saying goodbye. But Jord always fought for me. He would tell me he wasn’t going to let me go, and he never did.

Despite being angry, hurt and sad because the situation he knew it wasn’t my fault. He said he never felt completely comfortable coming to see us. He wanted us at home so we could feel at home, so we could be together. I will always feel guilty for putting Jord through PND, for taking Arthur away from him. Although I know it wasn’t my fault too, the guilt is always there. I don’t think it will ever go away. Neither will the terrified feeling that this may happen to me again when we have another child. But I’ve learnt to take each day as it comes. I’m trying not to look back, not to look much ahead but to just be where I am right now.

Jord has explained to me it was really hard for him but deep down he knew I was in the right place. He knew I had to be there, he knew I needed help. Through it all, we made it. I believe it as made us stronger than ever. Despite that I still wish every single day I never went through what I did, and I never put my family, Jord and my friends through what I did. But it happened. We can’t change the past. Now we’re a happy family of three, our biggest battle is who’s going to change the explosive nappy. Most of the time anyway. If your going through something remember, it’s not your fault. Those who love you, partners, friends and family, there will be there for you.

Stay tuned peeps.

Love, Kate x

So maybe don’t say these things to a pregnant lady…

So there I was. Super huge during pregnancy, first time going through it and super anxious about, well, everything! I thought I would talk about some things that were said to me during pregnancy. So I made 2 lists. The first one is to 10 things you probably shouldn’t say to a pregnant lady. (please note these things were said to me in a totally harmless way and were never meant to offend and they didn’t. This post is meant in a humorous way. :))

1. Are you sure your not having twins?!

– Life isn’t really like FRIENDS. You know when Erica is having twins and she thinks their taking about her heartbeat and the babies? Yeah no that doesn’t happen very often haha. I think most people know how many babies their having. Although I was so big that sometimes I did doubt myself once or twice!

2. You’re huge!

– Yes thank you, because I cannot see myself how large I am, thank you for reminding me haha.

3. You look like your going to pop!

– Pop is kinda of a scary word to say to a pregnant lady…you don’t want to pop when your pregnant!

4. Are you sure they haven’t got your due date wrong?!

– Again this doesn’t happen very often I don’t think?! I think going to labour needs to be the least surprising experience so they try to be pretty accurate here haha.

5. Think of the stretch marks your going to have!

– Thanks a bunch! (Have the bio oil ready though haha.)

6. Good luck with the birth! Mine was awful…

– Maybe try not to scare people…

7. You don’t know what your letting yourself in for!

– Whoever says this is definitely babysitting!

8. Say goodbye to sleep!

– Okay this is very true, but it does come back…eventually haha.

9. You’ll never stop worrying for the next 18 years

– Alright let’s try and not start the worrying earlier than necessary!

10. Your body will never be the same!

– Yeah but it did house a tiny human for 9 months and then got them evicted so it’s pretty understandable haha.

Instead totally feed them, tell them how pretty they are and help them paint their toes if they want to. 🙂

Tried to do a lighthearted post and hopefully brought a smile to someone. Stay tuned peeps.

Love, Kate x