Author: sohereweare

So here I am. I am 24 year old originally from the Isle of Wight, where my amazing family still live. Mother to a little man called Arthur. Partner to Jordan. Nurse, friend, daughter. After having my little man I developed post-natal depression and anxiety. It was a very dark time in my life. I wanted to start this blog as an honest telling of my story and our future adventures. My goal is to tell the reality of motherhood, mental health and everything in between. I would love to help others with my story. Even if I help one person in the whole world I will have achieved something. Here there will be posts about explosive poos, travelling with a baby, tales of sleepless nights. But there will also be very honest tales of my mental health journey, where you can go for help, and the incredible people who helped me along the way. I'll show you my family, friends and my amazing partner Jordan. It will be a little snippet into my world. Please bare with me, I've never done this before, I'm not a write and I don't pretend to be. I'm a Mama, telling our story. You are welcome to come along for the ride. So here we are. Love Kate x

So then my world came crashing down.

So this is a very honest post. It was hard for me to write and I’m sure some people might find it hard to read. But it’s the truth. I said I would be honest and I certainly have been.

So when I was pregnant I remember reading in a book about the first few months of parenthood how this lady thought about throwing her baby against a wall, but she didn’t. She spoke about how these kind of thoughts were normal as long as she never acted upon it. I remember the first time I had a thought about harming my own son. My whole world came crashing down. I felt so ashamed, disgusting, I felt evil. I kept telling myself it was normal, I kept going over what I read in my head. Kept thinking, it will go away, it will pass.

But with the dark thoughts about Arthur also came thoughts of killing myself. I wanted to die because I couldn’t face being alive and having these thoughts in my head. They just kept getting worse instead of better. But I loved my son, I loved him from the minute I saw him, so why was this happening? I would never hurt him. I wanted to protect him forever. I couldn’t understand what was going on in my own mind. I felt like I would never truly be happy again. I didn’t want to do anything, eat, drink, go anywhere. I wanted to go to sleep and never wake up.

I thought about how my son would be better off without me. How my partner Jordan would too. For me, they didn’t deserve for me to be alive and in their lives. I wanted them to be free. And I wanted to be free from those very dark thoughts.

I told my partner about these thoughts, he was so supportive from the very beginning. We decided they would hopefully go away, that I needed to rest as much as I could because I was so sleep deprived. He spoke to his Mum who said the same. I told him next time I saw my midwife I would tell her. About a week later, the day before I was due to see my midwife, I realised I couldn’t wait any longer. I was going to kill myself. I had many ways in which I was thinking of doing it, I just hadn’t decided which yet. I was broken. Exhausted mentally and physically, I needed help. I told Jord I wanted to kill myself and I was going to do it unless I got help immediately. He spoke to a midwife at our local hospital and she said I had go to A&E. For me, it was really difficult because I had to go to the hospital that I worked at as a nurse. I was petrified of seeing my colleagues. I was petrified at what they would think of me.

However, when I got there the midwife had already informed them of my situation, they were expecting me. From the moment I stepped in there, everybody was so supportive. So understanding. Not one person judged. So then came the moment I had to tell a member of the acute mental health team how I was feeling. With the words came so many tears. They promised to help, they assured me I would get better.

They decided that the best option for me was to be admitted onto a mother and baby unit. This was exactly what I wanted too. I couldn’t stand the thought of being away from Arthur. Then came the good news – there was a bed! It was really close and they were sure I was going to get it but they just had to check with them, they were going to call around 9. So we waited a very long wait. 9 came and went and I only became more and more anxious, convinced we were going to be told bad news. Unfortunately I was right. The bed was gone, it was given to someone who needed it more urgently. I was beside myself. I wanted help so badly. So then they searched. And searched and searched…

Finally they found a bed again. It was in Nottingham. I was from the south. Nottingham would take over 4 hours to get there from where we lived. I was given 2 more options, go home and wait and see if a bed became available closer to home. Or be admitted to an acute mental health ward on my own, 20 minutes away from where we lived. Arthur would be able to visit for 2 hours a day. I didn’t have to even think about it for a second. I wasn’t going to be without my son. I couldn’t. I knew I would get worse not better. But I knew I couldn’t go home either. I had to go to Nottingham. My heart was torn, I was finally going somewhere that was specialised to help me, but I would be very far away from my loved ones. Jord was devastated. He begged me to go home, said he could look after me, I would be okay. He said I wasn’t going to take him son away from him. But I couldn’t go home. I needed more help then he could give me. I needed professional help. We spoke about it and he realised it was for the best.

When Arthur came into the world I was so happy. Then I was cruelly robbed of my happiness. I was terrified of admitting I needed help but I am so glad I did. I didn’t know it yet, and there were days when I didn’t believe it but this was the start of me getting better. This was the start of my mental health journey. The hardest part was admitting I needed help. If you are struggling please, please speak to someone. Once you have got the words out for the first time, every single person you meet will want to help you.

So as for me, there I was, on the mother and baby unit. Stay tuned for the next chapter peeps.

Love, Kate x

So at the beginning.

So everybody’s story is different. For me mine started of happy. When my beautiful baby boy came into the world, it was love at first sight. However he came into the world in quite a traumatic way. I’ve shared my birth story before on instagram but I thought I would share it here too….

So there we were. I thought I would share my birth story, for those who are pregnant just know that even when things don’t go to plan you still take one look at your baby and realise it was worth every single second. In pregnancy I read about making birth positive. We see in movies and on the telly, women screaming and wanting to kill their partner lol (That was me haha). But then the books about positive birthing explain how it doesn’t need to be like that, how it can be enjoyable. That’s what I wanted. I wanted a happy birth with minimal pain relief. Unfortunately that’s not what happened. For me Arthur’s birth was quite traumatic, and I think it was a trigger for me becoming unwell.It started with my waters breaking at around 7 in the evening, by 8 I was having contractions and was told to go in to get checked. At around 9 I was seen and I was only 2cm dilated, yep bloody 2cm lol. We were given the choice, stay at the hospital and see if things moved further along or go home and wait there. We decided to stay at the hospital for a little while to see if anything happened. So I began walking and walking. Me and Jord would literally dance together through my contractions. I had a bath which was instantly soothing. Then at around 2 we decided it was time to go home and wait it out there. We told the midwife we were going home, and she said she’d like to do one final check. I was 5cm dilated, I wasn’t going anywhere. So I got into the pool, which was amazing! By 4 I decided I needed some gas and air. Then came the screaming and the swearing lol. Those who know me will know I don’t really swear much but that night was a different story. By 6 I was 7cm dilated and in so much pain. I decided it was time to get out the pool and try a different tactic, and some more pain relief. I had to have Pethidine. I don’t really remember much but I do remember I was in a lot of pain. It was like nothing I’ve ever felt. I remember saying to Jord to kill me, he started to cry because it was really distressing for him and then I remember saying please don’t cry, I’m sorry. It was really hard. But the pethidine did help and I even dozed a little bit in between contractions.

Then at around 8, I was 10cm dilated and I felt the need to push. It was time. So I pushed and I pushed but literally nothing was happening. Arthur had his back to us and was facing the other way. This went on till around 11 when they said they would have to intervene. I was absolutely exhausted and getting nowhere. So they mentioned it would either be forceps or c-section. When they mentioned forceps I remember begging them to do anything but forceps. For me, it was my worst nightmare. Forceps are completely safe. I just couldn’t get over my fear of them. All throughout my pregnancy they were what I was afraid of. Jord tried to reassure me and calm me down. So it was off to labour ward. Me and Arthur were hooked up to monitors and I met all different professionals who decided they were going to take me to theatre and try forceps and if that didn’t work I would have to have a c-section. I was terrified. I just wanted our baby to be with us and to be safe. I remember being in the operating room and looking around seeing so many different people. It only made me more scared, I wondered, why does there need to be so many people? Jord reassured me that it was just in case, they were prepared. So they had to turn Arthur and then bring his head out with forceps. I had a spinal injection which made me completely numb from the waist down but I had to push the rest of the way. It was very strange pushing when I couldn’t feel anything. But a minute or two later and suddenly everyone cheered, he was here! And he was a he! We didn’t know what we were having so It was such a lovely surprise. I remember being so happy when they placed Arthur on my chest. He was here. He was healthy. The relief was incredible. I lost 700mls of blood and I had a third degree tear. I was mentally and physically exhausted but we were so happy. As soon as I saw Arthur it was love at first sight. The pain was very strong when the spinal injection wore off and I was absolutely exhausted. My plan had gone out the window and I felt really disappointed that it had not gone well. I felt like I had let myself down and had not been “brave enough”. Looking back now I wish I could of said to myself, Some things are out of your control! I did everything i could possibly do and I did not fail because things did not go to plan. So if your pregnant and reading this, please, remember sometimes things do not go the way you want them too. But know this, despite going through what I went through I would still do it all again. Because our Arthur is worth the world.

Some people have wonderful birth experiences, some people don’t. But needing an assisted delivery, or a c-section or having an epidural is okay. Your story will be different from everyone else’s. Your story is your story. But you might not be able to decide everything about it. Some things are out of our hands. So however your story goes, the love you feel for your little one will mean more than anything else.

So this was the beginning of Arthur’s life, and the beginning of my illness. I just didn’t know it yet. Stay tuned peeps.

Love, Kate x

So here’s my first post.

So as I sit here and type this I have no idea if anyone will read this. I don’t know much about creating a website or making a blog successful. I don’t pretend to be a good writer or super funny. But I will be honest. I will tell you the realities of motherhood, of mental health, of my life. The cliche line of “I want to help people” fits here. Whether I will or not is a different story. But I can try. So I’m still figuring this out so bare with me. My spelling and punctuation has never been great, I was classed as “borderline dyslexic” whatever that means haha. So if anyone does ever read this, please be kind. And remember I am sleep deprived Mama of a 4 month old so don’t be expecting anything to make much sense…

So I guess I should start at the beginning. The very beginning was finding out I was pregnant after not being very responsible. The classic thinking “it won’t happen to us”. (Told you I would be honest) However we now have a beautiful baby boy, so I would not go back and change a thing. I’ve always wanted children, I thought about travelling, getting a car, what career I would like, where I wanted to live, all of it was ifs and buts and changing my mind. But one thing never changed, I wanted to be a mother. It’s not for everyone and I’m not saying if your a woman that it’s a given right of passage that you want a family but for me I’ve always knew. I’ve come from a big family and family means so much to me. So when I find out I was pregnant at 23 there was a huge mix of emotions and feelings. But one was more overwhelming that the others – happy.

My pregnancy was filled with anxiety. I managed it myself and I guess I didn’t really realise this was the start of something. I would take pregnancy tests all the time, convinced something bad was going to happen, I found it hard to relax, particularly in those first 12 weeks. Although I knew taking a pregnancy test did not mean I was still pregnant with a healthy baby, I would find some comfort in seeing a positive test. I was very anxious about what I ate, eating out was very scary for me at the beginning. However as my body changed and I could see there really was a little human in there I did relax a little. The anxiety was still there but it did get better for a while. Then came the little baby movements and with that came more anxiety. I have a very active job as a nurse and it was really hard for me to keep track of our little one moving around when I was on my feet all day. Pregnancy for me was an experience. I did struggle with anxiety, but physically I was really quite well.

I sometimes stop and remember my body did an amazing thing. I grew a human for 9 months! Throughout all the anxiety, worry and the hormones I still look back over pregnancy and smile. It was up and down but it brought me the greatest gift I have ever received; our gorgeous little boy Arthur Thomas. The love I have for our tiny human is indescribable. At the happiest time of our lives also came the very saddest. I unfortunately developed post-natal depression and anxiety shortly after having our baby boy. Oh how our world changed in so many different ways. But that’s a different part of our story.

Pregnancy is an incredibly hard, amazing thing. And I am so grateful I was able to do it. If you reading this and your growing a mini human, here’s some things I want to say to you…

Try to enjoy it as much as you can
You can read as many baby books as humanly possible but no baby is textbook
Enjoy eating and watching your body change, it’s doing something incredible!
Be kind to yourself
Take time for yourself, do what you want to do before babe comes
Try to remember – you are an individual, every pregnancy is different, don’t be worried if you don’t look like your pregnant friend does, you are YOU. And don’t worry about what other people say about your body.
Take what everyone else says with a pinch of salt. Everybody will give you advice, their birth stories, jokes and “you don’t know what’s going to hit you!” This your journey, no two people do things the same, advice is just that, advice. You don’t have to do it (including my advice haha) you can simply smile and say “thank you”or you can do whatever the hell you what haha.

I was I could of told myself these things. So there I was. At the beginning of our journey. Stay tuned peeps.

Love, Kate x